When I imagined the sunny days I would have with my  new husband when I moved to Florida I never accounted for the sticky and unbearable heat the sun brings.

Sawyer and I sat next to each other on the dried up grass of the front yard, smoldering underneath the sun. I had my legs crossed over each other with my head hanging too keep my eyes out of the sun while Sawyer sat with his body outstretched looking out into the street.  He was developing a dark shadow from not shaving, the past few days it made him seem older.

Despite our growing relationship we seemed to always settle into our familiar silence. The only sound was of the ice cubes clinking together as they melted in bottles of water that sat between us.

I had never had a huge attachment to things but, I wondered if it was hard for Sawyer to let go of all of his things. Most yard sales were for things you were never going to use or wear again; not things like your only  black suit, brand name watches or anything with the words Bluetooth on  it's box.

After our dinner on the  living room floor last night, Sawyer got some blankets from the closet (which at this point had been sold now) and we slept on the living room floor in our own space. We got up early this morning to sit with the yard sale all morning and afternoon but, in the last 3 hours no one had stopped by and we had been sitting in silence.

I stole a glance at Sawyer who was leafing through an old Sport lllustrated he had found among the things in his old college trunk.

I turned back to the lock box that we had been keeping the money in and started to count it again.

20. 40. 90. 100. 105-

“Um, Julie” Sawyer said, his voice broke slightly.

I turned to look at him.

 “I think we are at our last straw, now,” he began, “ I told the landlady I’m moving out.”

“Why ?”

“Well, first so I can get half my security deposit back and also I think we have gone as far as we can with finding money in San Costa. “

“Why do you only get half back ?” I asked

He looked back at the door that was still standing beside it’s original position.

Right.

We had resorted to leaning the door against the opening at night.

“I think a lot of what United Light and Caine says is complete bull but, parts of it have always been a part of my life, you know?”

I didn’t. But, I still nodded

“I have always put everyone else--put others before myself, even in college. But, I’d be lying if I said I never did anything stupid, just for myself.”

He was confusing  me and  I’m sure it showed in my face.

“Nevermind, . . .the point is I am going into the city to find some work that is easy money . . . I used to bar back and I know somebody at this new club and I’ll make tips that’s instant money.”

“What about your job at Sunset Diner ?” I asked.

“I’m quitting tomorrow. That job has always just been a nostalgia thing for me but, the money is crap and I can’t wait around for the paycheck. The  city’s drunken, yuppie late night bar crowd tip a lot more than small town diner folks. I figure we can get as much as we can in 2 weeks and see if Caine is impressed enough and will give us more time,”

“What can I do ?” I asked

“Well, before I quit I was going to give you Elisa’s job, if you wanted it. If anybody get’s good tips in this town  it’s cute waitresses”

So, he thought I was cute ? This reminded  me of the conversation I had with Elisa at the Starbucks.I didn’t know how to respond and Sawyer didn’t seem to notice what he had just implied

“I’ll take it but, I have no experience at all.”

“That’s fine. It’s not that hard of a job, anyone can do it. . . don’t tell  Elisa I said that,” He smiled.

I smiled and nodded. Not because I believed I could do it but, because he believed I could do it.

“What do you say we close up shop ?” he asked, looking around at the remnants of the yard sale.

The only thing left were 3  card tables (that had been promised to a Bingo Hall owner who was going to pick them up tomorrow) with a few items (books,an umbrella and an assortment of junk) left on it. We began to pack up the rest of the tables and take them inside.

Inside the house it looked like we had already moved out

Every carpet,picture, and piece of furniture was gone.

“When you move out, where will I stay ?,” I asked

“Well, there is an Orange Blossom Inn near downtown that has rooms for 24.95  a night so I figure that is cheaper than paying the 2300 on this house and when we need to leave we can. “

So he did have a plan.

“Okay” I agreed as I carried the last of the tables into the empty house

“ It’s the lull between lunch and dinner at Sunset, I can give you some training at the diner now, if you want.”

“Yeah, I’d like that.”

“Cool. Put on a pair of sneakers or comfortable shoes and we will walk to the bus stop”

I traded my rubber flip flops for my white sneakers and we headed down the block to  to the bus stop.

“We want to take the 4 bus to North Sands and we want the bus that is going north,” he explained to me.

I nodded.

The bus came and lurched stopping every 10 minutes until we came into view of the Sunset Diner. Luckily this bus stopped right in front of the diner so we did not have to walk far.

He walked around the back of the building and through the back entrance that led to his office.

 Where this all started

“I’m sorry I forgot-“ Sawyer began

“No, it’s fine.” I said

It was. I had no fears, I barely remembered what had happened  here.

“Okay well, why don’t I start by introducing you to everyone?” he said

“Sure,” I agreed even though I was nervous about it. I’d never been one for meeting new people

Sawyer introduced me to the cooks—Bridget and Mitchell, and the other waitresses-- Caylen and Faith and re-introduced me to Sid, who was the cashier.

Sawyer showed me how to just greet the customers, seat them take their orders and bring the  tickets to the window and then the customers took their receipts up to Sid at the counter to pay.

It was simple enough.

As he was showing me how to bus a table Faith came up behind us.

“Are you going to miss Elisa ?,” she asked Sawyer

“What -?,” Sawyer said, alarmed

“She’s in California right ? On the internship.” Faith continued,"That's what the owners said."

“Oh, um yeah,” Sawyer said unconvincingly.

I could tell our minds were racing with the same thoughts,I wanted t talk to Sawyer about this but, this wasn’t the place.

“I just forget sometimes, you know,” Sawyer covered

She was unconvinced but walked back to her table.

After letting me practice on a few more customer and splitting a Sunset Blue Plate Special, Sawyer decided it was time to leave.

“Internship?” I asked him later on the bus

“I know it’s weird. I mean she had one but, she didn’t take it. I guess that is Caine’s cover,” he said

One conversation about Caine and we were back to thinking about our situation.

Later that night I heard Sawyer on the phone with his land lord making up some excuse about how he was moving out of town and needed his security deposit by tomorrow. In the end she promised to come by at 6 am to do a check and he would get the check the next day. He had mentioned that his landlord was an elderly woman who was kind of a pushover

As he was standing in the kitchen finishing the conversation, I settled in the pile of blankets on the floor. I could feel warm breezes coming from the door that was leaning against the hinges. I let the conversation lull in my ears and tried to get to sleep. I had to be ready for my first day of work

 

 

***

 

The next morning I stood in the bathroom mirror twisting my braided ponytail into a bun on the back of my head and securing it with a pink hair tie. I put on a dark blue polo shirt and cargo skirt with my sneakers; Sawyer had told me to look comfy but, clean. I hoped this outfit would do.

I went down the hall to see what he thought and he was packing a few  more garbage bags of whatever else of our stuff was left in a large duffel bag.

“Did the landlady come by ?” I asked

“Yeah, everything is checked out. I was able to get 300 dollars back because her nephew could fix the for free so, say good-bye to this place,” He said.

I looked around, the place really was empty.

“So, I take the 4 bus, right ?” I asked, referring to how I would get to my first day of work

“Don’t worry about it, Sid said he would give you a ride.”

“Okay,”

“I’m going to be moving our stuff  and doing some last minute things to the house.”

“Okay,”

I watched as he continued packing all of our combined belongings into duffel bag. I was down to a pair of jeans, shorts and sundress, 3 tops and my rubber flip flops and the clothes I was wearing. Sawyer only had 3 shirts and 2 pairs of pants. I was told getting married would give my life new meaning and I would feel a renewed sense of fulfillment and adventure living outside the commune but, the exact opposite was happening. I was losing everything.

I heard a honk outside and looked up to see Sid’s truck in front of the house.

“I’ll walk you out,” Sawyer said.

We walked out to the front driveway, Sawyer stopped short of the door (the opening really) and I walked to the passenger side.

Sid was wearing a oxford shirt similar to the one Sawyer had on the other day and a name tag that said Sidney Fox, Manager.

So he got Sawyer’s job

Sid, waved to Sawyer as I buckled my seatbelt and then took off down the drive way

“So, is everything okay with Sawyer ?” asked Sid when we headed down the road.

“mm-hm, yeah everything is fine,” I lied.

“Did he get a better job ? I always thought with his degree he could do better than managing a diner.” Sid continued.

I realized I had no idea what Sawyer had a degree in.

“What was Sawyer’s major ?” I asked

“Wasn’t it something like, Forensic Science or Biology or something smart like that.”

I just let out an affirmative sound.

When we reached the Diner and Sid unlocked the  front doors. I looked around at the empty diner and  reminded myself what Sawyer had taught me the other day.

Take down the chairs, wipe the tables, ask if anyone else needs help.

“I’m still going to be doing the cash register for now,” Sid called to me from the front of the Diner, “But, if you need any managerial help just tell me.”

He then, went to the back of the diner and put a key into the office.

“Have my own office  now, too. This is nice.” He said into the air as he disappeared inside.

I heard the door jingle and looked up to see if it was my first customer but, it was Faith.

She had a clear deep complexion and her thick black hair that was clinging to her shoulders. She was wearing what looked like a silk top and pair of black capris with a pair of wedge sandals.  I felt underdressed.

I was intimidated but she smiled at me friendly.

“First day um, Julianna, right ?” she said as she approached me

“Yes,” I said.

“Well, it will be a pretty slow start just the usual construction workers or families in the nearby hotels getting breakfast before they go into the city.”

“I’m ready” I responded.

She continued to smile at me.

“Is that a wedding ring ?” She asked.

I looked down at the ring.

Sawyer had made a point to sell everything that was worth anything but, when I  took the ring off to put up with the rest of my jewelry collection he said I should keep it.

I wasn’t exactly prepared for this question.

“No, it’s just this is the only finger it fits,” I explained, “Cubic Zirconia”

She nodded and continued to the office to go speak to Sid. When she disappeared behind the door I continued wiping down tables when I heard the door open. I looked up to see a pair of men, in jeans and shirts that had signs of dirt and wear.  I almost didn’t do anything but then I realized I was the only one on the floor so I went over to greet them,

“Hi, I’ll get you a table over here.” I said leading them to the first table I saw.

“Can I get you something to drink ?”

“2 cups of black coffee would be great.” One man said.

I walked off to get the regular coffee and two cups and brought them to the table.

And like that I began my first job.

 

Elisa

***

If there was one thing I couldn’t ignore it was how decent Cecelia and Greg were. I knew it was going to be my goal to unbrainwash them, they would do great in the real world.

After my awkward conversation with Cecilia she insisted that  I looked tired and that I take a nap in their extra bedroom. I was cautious and told myself not to fall asleep, but my instincts kicked in and I woke up the next morning before I even noticed I had fallen asleep.

I woke up to the sun in my face and the sound of Amazing Grace on a flute. I walked out of the room and into the kitchen where Cecelia was holding the silver instrument to her lips. Something about her posture told me she knew I was there and st the last stance she turned around to face me.

“Good morning, Elisa” She said.

“I did not mean to sleep that much.”

“It’s okay,”She  said

“Where is Greg ?”

“He is doing his Tranquility Light duties today,” she explained

Hm, probably water boarding some teenagers.

“So, you get to spend the day with me.” She continued

“I can’t I have to get out of here and find my boyfriend and go back to my life.”

“I don’t know everything but, I really don’t think that is in your best interest.”She said in the same flat tone.

“and Why not ?” I asked.

“Can I teach you something?” she asked

“I doubt it.”

“One principle that is important to us is putting others before ourselves. Doing what is best for the groups instead of the individual.”

“What happened to what is good for the goose is good for the gander ?”

“I guess we don’t believe that. What I am saying is we think of ourselves as part of a group—a family—I mean would you stay here if say you knew it would do good for your mother ?”

“I suppose.”

“Well, if you try to leave you will get Greg and I in trouble and we have accepted you and been kind and  the least you could do is stay.”

I don’t know what she thought she was saying but what I heard was “If you leave Greg and I are in deep shit.”

“If I am still here in 3 days I am finding my own way out,” I told her.

She mouthed a thank you and stood up.

“You can come to my dress fitting with me and you can meet my mother.”

I didn’t say anything.

“I think I have some clothes you can wear.” She continued. She went into her and Greg’s bedroom and came back with a khaki colored dress.

“I think this will go on the easiest. It has a belt around the waist and you can tie the ties in the back so it’s  pretty adjustable. Did you want a tank top to go under it ? I have purple or blue which one would you like?”

“ I don’t care.”

She handed me a blue tank top.

The clothes  weren’t my usual style but they fit and they were clean.

“Mrs. Erickson is putting my dress together and her daughter makes clothes too so, she can give you some clothes.”

Great, I was going to look like Laura Ingalls Wilder

“Perfect.” I said, with sarcasm but Cecelia did not seem to  catch on to it.

“Isn’t it ?” she exclaimed, “You see people doing things for each other, for no reason but to help them, it makes life easier.”

“It also breaks down the economy.” I added

***

Heaps of lace.

That is how I would describe Cecelia’s dress.

But, I couldn’t even lie to myself it was beautiful.

It fit her body perfect  and looked picturesque at on her, the layers of lace delicately waterfall from the corseted bodice all the way down to the ground with just the right amount of poof.

Mrs. Erickson, who looked in her  early 60’s was tying a blue ribbons around the waist and stuck pins in the side.

“It’s lovely on you,” she commented

“You look like a doll,” Rosa Erickson, Mrs. Erickson’s daughter said.

I have lived around women long enough to know that I was supposed to interject a comment in here to but as far as I was concerned I was still a prisoner.

There were a few things I was starting to notice about this compound. Not only were there very few middle ages people but many of the people were either in their late 50’s or 60’s, or in their late 20’s early 30’s. There were also very few cars. Cecelia had borrowed her neighbors bike and we biked the 4 blocks to Mrs. Erickson’s house near the edge of the compound. Also, there seemed to always be a lot of people wearing blue.

“I don’t want to take it off.” Cecelia said, swirling around in the mirror and the lace whirled around her.

“So, do you think Sam will like it ?” I called out, for no other reason but to see their reaction

“Yes. I am sure, who wouldn’t?” Cecelia said, beaming

“Alright, well you should take it off, so I can sew this ribbon on.”  Mrs. Erickson instructed Cecelia

She went into the back to change.

“I have some things for you in the living room,” Rosa said to me.

Rosa led me to the living room of their house and hanging on colorful hangers were not Little House on the Prarie Dresses but, lots of floral sundresses, khaki clothing and blue outfits, stuff that looked like it belonged in some overpriced Miami boutique

“Wow, this stuff looks really cute, I’m shocked.” I told her.

“Well, I sell some of it to a few stores and online,” she explained, “You can take whatever or how much you want.” She said

When we were first introduced Rosa told me she was 25 and she seemed like any normal girl I would hang out with. She seemed a younger and more relatable to me than Cecelia, even though Cecilia was 28.

“So,what’s with all the khaki and blue around here ?,” I asked her

 

“It’s kind of like our way of showing unity within the United Light. It’s not required but, most people do it to show their belief. And why not ?  Blue comes in so many shades so, you can be the individual but, you are still like everyone else.”

“That is really stupid,” I told her

“It’s like when you go to U of  F  and you wear blue and orange and you wear it all the time even though those colors don’t go together. You are proud of it and that is why you wear it. I’m proud to be a member of United Light”

“I’m sorry, you know about The Gators?”

“I went to Georgia,” she explained

“And you came back here after going to college ?”

“Like I said I’m proud.”

I didn’t get it, I didn’t understand what drew these people to live in a protected living to feel like they needed to be protected and what about the United Light drew them in.

I picked a few dresses and skirts to be nice and Rosa put them in garment bags and said she would bring them to  Greg and Cecilia’s house later.

 

After Cecelia got out of her dress she suggested to the Erickson’s that  we head to The Center.

“What is the center ?” I asked

“Oh, you will see,” said Rosa.

We headed a few blocks up the street and  I saw  the only non-house building I had seen so far. It looked like a community center from the outside I could see a playground, a park and a pool surrounding it. Inside was a series of auditoriums, a gymnasium and a gym. A sea of people dressed in blue were headed towards one of the auditoriums.

And of course who was speaking ? Caine.

He was dressed in his probably custom fitted suit, standing beside a podium. When the crowd silenced began his speech smiling.

“Hello, everyone who has come out to hear today’s remarks. We are very happy at the growth we are seeing and I need you all to know seeing your faces really makes me believe more in United Light than I ever thought possible.”

He continued addressing the people calling out birthdays , future events and finally marriage announcements..

“I just want to end things by saying seeing you all united together really does bring me pride. I will be having another meeting with my staff tonight about our plans for expansion. I can’t wait until everyone who has the light that we all have has joined us and we can all live as one . . . we may have a perfect society.”

Everyone seemed to laugh playfully at that comment.

“You can’t have a perfect society!” I shouted out, I had my limits. “ What do you do with people who want to be independent  ? Kill them or coerce them into following your rules because if that’s how it is that isn’t perfect. How is that perfect ?” I demaned

“The key is, my dear.” He said calmly, “That our members will always have a choice whether they want be  one of us instead of just one. We can talk later but, I must continue with other matters.”

As he continued to talk I felt someone pulling me out of the room.  I was about to fight them but, I turned around to see Rosa.

“What ?” I asked

She just kept walking to the door of the building and out to the park area where she sat on the bench. I was cautious but, I gave into my better instincts (again) and followed her.

“Ask me.” She said

“Ask you what ?” I said

“Why I am here ? Why I left, why I came back ?”

“Okay, I’m asking.”

“I like it here. I lived off the commune and my whole life, I was always an outsider I never fit in anywhere with anyone, I mean really fit in you know ? I come here and I am instantly accepted and I see where I can help and what I can do and I’m happy. I tried everything from booze, anti-depressants, books and nothing made me feel as good as being here does . . . I wish you could understand that.”

“I can, kind of. But I can’t understand polygamy and arranged marriage. I believe in finding love, one true love”

We had a staring contest.

“I notice you aren’t married.” I added

“I just came here a few years ago. I haven’t been put in a marriage yet but, if I was I would be happy.”

“And know you’ve lost me, see to me this is crazy talk,” I said.

“What is wrong with inviting someone else in your life to share it with ?”

“You’re going to have sex with—you’re going to live with a complete stranger ?”

“Like you’ve never slept with a stranger or thought about it. Look all the  United Light guys are the perfect guy, anyone would be happy to have one of them like they’d be happy to have one of us girls. I know this whole marriage thing is the hardest thing for most people to get past but, sans that United Light is a belief that created better people for this world. If you really knew about it everything else will fall into place and make sense.” She said.

“I’m only staying here for 3 more days” I told Rosa

She nodded her head in understanding.

“Teach me.” I said.

Julianna

***

The Orange Blossom Inn was a relatively nice hotel but, in reality it was a motel. The rooms led to the parking lot that was covered with large SUV’s and RV’s. When I was in the room Instead of hearing the ocean if I was really quiet I heard the sound of thru-way traffic.

There was only one big problem.

One bed.

“You can have the bed,” Sawyer said  as soon as he got in ,setting the duffle bag on the chair.

“No, I’m smaller I can sit in the chair.”

“No,really I will work all night. I can sleep on the floor and if you’re not here I’ll sleep on the bed, okay ?”

I didn’t feel like arguing, I had waited tables from 7 Am to 8 PM and I was tired. When it was my turn to clock out Sawyer was waiting outside the Sunset and we the bus to our new place.

I looked through the large bag for my pajamas.

“You may get allergies from the air, so there is some allergy medicine  in there for you,” He told me.

“Thanks.”

I finally found my turquoise nightdress  showered and changed. When I was done Sawyer did the same thing only he put on a black T-Shirt and a pair of jeans.

When he got out of the bathroom I was brushing my teeth in the sink outside of the bathroom. He stood beside me and started washing his face.

“I got this job at this club, it’s called 420 Night. It stays open until 4:20 am.” He explained.

“Okay,”

“So, I will get back at around 5:30 in the morning  and I’ll wake you up at 6 so you can get to work and then you wake me up when you get back.”

It was almost like our old schedule.

Sawyer  started shaving his shadow with the razor that he got from the motel.

We were like a married couple at a His and Her vanity.

“Do you really think we can make the money like this ?” I asked as I braided my hair back

“No, I think we can make half or maybe a quarter. Enough to get Elisa back and get the rest on good faith.”

“You think that will work ?”

“I have no other option.”

He grabbed his coat and headed out the door.

“Are you going to be okay, alone ?” he asked

“I think so,” I said. I had to admit I was a little afraid being in a place like this only.

“Don’t worry this isn’t the Bates Motel,” he smiled

I had no idea what he was talking about.

“Nevermind, you’ll be fine.” He said and walked out the door.

I covered the bed with the blankets from the house  and tried to get to sleep but I wasn’t all that tired.

I decided to watch a little television.

We had televisions in the commune but, it only broadcasted news and programs or shows made by or approved by commune members. It was what the protected in protected living was all about. Most  people were to busy doing things to really watch it and it was usually a documentary, concert or film that was shown.

 I turned on the set and it hummed to life. I flipped past commercials and cartoons and ads, nothing caught my eye. I considered watching the news but I knew it would be full of dreary stories about kidnappings, house explosions or my worst fear a mother pleading for her missing daughter named Elisa.

Then something caught my eye.

A movie scene in black and white; an intimate moment between a couple.  The were both naked and  talking in hushed tones, I could not make out most of the words but, I heard one sentence

“ There is only one woman’s word who should affect the mood of my husband," The woman said to the man, " Those are mine.” 

 I wasn't paying attention to their words but the closeness of the two, the way she held her hand to his face so tenderly, so loving. The scene went silent as music came on and it flashed  to  new scene where  the man was kissing  her passionately against a wall, and finally to a scene where he was on top of her and she took a breath in ecstasy and her bare chest moved to his touch. I began to feel feeling in myself start to stir. The couple was so passionate, everything from the way she grabbed his back to the way he kissed her.

I wondered what that was like to have that kind of passion in a marriage.

I watched the next hour of the movie but fell asleep part of the way through.

I woke up the next morning to  the alarm going off  an no Sawyer.

I didn't have time to figure out where he was so I  put on my clothes on and took the bus to work.

It was strange being alone for so long but that was a routine that continued for the rest of the weekend. Sawyer wouldn’t be there when I woke up but when I  came back in at 8 PM  Sawyer would be there. Just as I fell asleep he left. Our only conversation had become  “How much money did you make ?” and “I’m tired and going to bed.”

We usually at our meals from wherever we worked and it was beginning to take it’s toll. When I got in on Saturday night, Sawyer had already gone to work and I was feeling terrible. I was planning on just lying down but as soon as I got inside I threw up. I was just lucky I didn’t have work tomorrow, Sundays were my days off.

I went downstairs to see if they had any medicine but all the could offer was seltzer water. I took the water but, it seemed to only make things worse. I started searching through the duffel bag for the allergy medication. I knew it wasn’t a pain reliever but, I needed something. Before I could find it I passed out on the bed.

I woke up Mondat  morning to see Sawyer laying next to me on the bed, asleep. He was shirtless and wearing  boxer shorts. I thought back to my stomach but, it seemed to have been a 24 hour thing.

  I looked over a Sawyer and my mind wandered back to the film I had seen a few days earlier. I wanted him to turn around and kiss me, I wanted to put my hands around his bare back, I wanted to be close to him. I wanted to sleep with Sawyer Miller.

I am pretty sure that Sawyer has had sex before, I’m sure he knew what to do.

I could end this right now, I could go back to having my own bed, eating fresh food, doing what I wanted.

I wanted this. It was a terrible thought but, Caine was right I did want this. I mean I didn’t exactly want a baby but I’m sure my family would help me raise it or something.

I imagined how the next few moments could go. I could wake Sawyer up and tell him I wanted to be with him, I’m sure he’d need convincing and then we can have our passionate moment, of love and ecstasy  he would kiss me for the first time and then we’d make passionate love and kiss and be in love.  After that we would go back to Caine, say the marriage worked out and he would let Elisa go.

Elisa.

I forgot. Sawyer could never be with me because he was with her. How could I have let that little detail slip my mind for so long. I took a minute to try and make the feelings (fanstasies, really) subside and  I turned back over in my bed and heard Sawyer make a sound and then start to get out of bed.

“It's okay. You can stay.” I said, sitting up to look at him.

“Oh, uh, No it’s okay. I’m sorry, Julie I guess. . .  I just crashed,” he apologized putting his shirt back on and arranging some pillows on the floor.

I watched as he laid out on the floor and settled down to go back to sleep. I couldn’t imagine myself feeling the way I was feeling about Sawyer with anyone else. I

I knew I  had to accept he didn’t see me in an intimate way and that we had bigger things to worry about. I turned back over and settled back to sleep, If I couldn’t be with Sawyer here maybe I could be in my dreams.