18.1

 

 

Apparently I don’t like hospitals.

I had never really thought about it because I didn’t spend much time in them until now.

 It was strange I had no memory of  ever being here.

In the burn unit.

I wandered down the hallway, pass all of the open rooms until I came to the private room with a closed door.  I looked in through the window, it was quiet and there was no one inside.

 The nurse at the front desk had told me I could just go on inside so, I opened the door and walked closer to  look at the man lying inside. His face didn’t show any pain,even though his entire body was wrapped in bandages and I could see skin that was even more sickening than mine peeking through.  My eyes stayed on the variety of  tubes that were keeping him alive, they were coming out of every part of his body.

 I considered talking to him like you see in TV shows but it just felt awkward, I couldn’t even begin to want to believe that he could hear me. Talking to the living was easy talking to the barely lucid well, there were no rules for that.

I peered at the clock and I knew I had to get out soon though, I didn’t want the family catching me in here.

I had no idea what to do or say but I closed my eyes and imagined what is was like if he was alive. I didn’t remember his face or seeing him at the scene but, looking at the pictures left around his bed I could get a clear picture of who he was or is.

“I’m Sawyer,” I said, putting my hand over his in a weak attempt to shake it ”I have no clue how you would feel about me because well, I’m the guy who put you in here---or as my girlfriend would say the guy who feels like it’s all my fault you were there. But she is wrong, this is in a large part my fault. I just want you to know that I think about this everyday like some kind of curse and all I want is to find a way to make this right.”

I had no idea what else to say so, I just sat  listening to the rhythmic beeping of the machines, I was wondering off when I heard the beeps getting closer together.

 Something wasn’t right.

“Hello ?”  I said pushing the nurse call button,”I think something is wrong,”

Medical staff came into the room and   I was asked to leave.

I walked out the door  where I came face to face with Mrs. Morris

“Mr. Miller ?” she asked in surprise, “What are you doing here ?”

She suddenly became distracted by the commotion in her husband’s room getting louder and went inside.

I considered leaving but, then I decided to stay and talk to her and come clean.

I leaned against the door waiting, playing with one one of the buttons on my shirt until it popped off.

After 20 minutes the nurses and doctor walked out I couldn’t read anything on their faces as they were already on to the next patient.

I walked back into the room, Mrs. Morris was sitting in a chair holding her husband’s hand the machines were still running, he looked the same.

 “Brain dead,” she said in a barely audible voice.

“I did this to your husband,” I said

She turned to me with a glassy eyed stare

“If you want someone to blame for this then, let it be me,” I continued

“I know,” she said

“You did  ? ,”

“Well, just now when I saw you outside. It’s funny, when I heard you got out of Dade County I thought I saw your face everywhere I went everyone looked  like you and then I realized I had really forgotten your face," she said, a hint of a smile on her face

“I want you to know that this-- all of this you, your husband, my time in jail has changed my life . . . all I want to do now is help people—to be a better man”

“I suppose I imagined you were back on the streets selling drugs and getting away with it. In some way it makes me feel better that your life has gotten better rather than wasted because of this.”

“You can blame me you have every right to be pissed at me,” I admitted.

“Being angry at you won’t really help me,” she said, “I wish you had been honest with me, I would have talked to you but blaming people that is beyond me, now.  I want you to be affected and learn from this moment but you are a young , don’t let it hold you down. Am I upset ? Yes. Do I want my husband back ? Yes but, I-I can’t take this out on you. . .  I think you should leave so I can say good-bye to my husband.”

“You’re going to—“

“My husband is a fireman, we have had this conversation,”

“I can’t imagine how hard this must be . . . you are so calm,”

“Well, this was almost 3 months coming. He wouldn’t want anyone he loved to see him like this. I just never thought I'd be so scared.”

“I don’t mind staying,” I admitted.

"Thanks you, Sawyer."

I watched with her as she called the  doctor  to come back into the room.

 It was an intimately awkward moment.

I held her hand as she held her husband’s. I couldn’t stop staring at his face to see if there was a reaction to see If I could see what draining a person’s life from them looked like.

I was scared and I wanted to look away. Could  I handle her emotion , her pain ? But, the fear I felt was the kind of fear that kept you rooted in the ground even though you wanted to run.

There was no pain.

No struggle.

No gasping for air.

The doctors took out all the machines and he just looked at peace.

And so did she.

And so did I.

I knew that moment would never leave me, that it would always have an impact on me.  It made me see what life and living really meant because that is how it could all end.  One minute you exist and the next you didn’t.

You just lived on through your family, friends and other people’s memories.

She wasn’t ready to make all the phone calls so, I took her to across the street to a coffee shop where she told me all  about her husband.

18.2

___

Juliana

 

 

 

“Left hand yellow,”

“Get your ass out of my face !”

“Right foot green,”

“I don’t bend that way,”

“I can’t feel my—“

“Right hand red,”

I heard some screams of agony and looked up from my  behind the laptop  in the kitchen to see a pile of half-naked people in the living room red with laughter. It seemed like everyone was unhurt so I turned back to my word document.

Sky had suggested a game of Twister but, decided to make it even more interesting by making it beach Twister and even though the beach was only a few feet away they decided to put on their bathing suits, take out some Corona and bring the beach to the living room.

I went back to my paper as I half-listened to Daven thinking of a way to turn the game into a drinking game.

It was interesting having guests in the house for a while.

Cortland had left Thursday night while I was in the middle of a nap and while I still wasn’t sure if I was upset with him or if he was upset with me.  Before he had left he gave me a kiss and everything seemed as normal as it could have been.

A few hours later Paxton went to the airport to pick up his girlfriend, Oakley her friend and sorority sister, Sky and her other friend Park.

Through some negotiation, Synclair and Daven agreed to share their room with Park and  I ended up sharing  Cortland’s room with Oakley and her friend Sky. Even though I didn't mind sleeping on the floor they insisted on sharing the extra mattress.

I had come back Friday from my second English class with a paper  we were supposed to wrote about ourselves with a giant red D on the front of it—all because I used the wrong font and format. I was more than prepared to talk to Cortland about it, I walked into the room in tears only to remember Cortland wasn’t there.

Sky and Oakley were still getting settled in and Oakley said she was an English major and offered to help me revise the paper. I had just barely met her but, I learned why Paxton liked her, she was kind.

I learned they were both Tri-Pi’s , and did a lot of mixers with Cortland’s fraternity because they were neighbors in Greek Row.

While Oakley was kind and passive like Paxton Sky was full of energy and  had their whole day planned out. First they cooked an entire meal for all 8 of the people in the house including me.  I didn’t want to intrude but, they insisted I eat so I did and as they planned to go off to North Miami I slipped off to bed to get ready for work.

I had I finally got some more hours and on  Saturday morning when I was sure they were sleeping of the night before I  took my time putting my make-up on.

“Do you want to use this,” Oakley asked handing me a glass purple bottle, with a water-like substance in it. I  jumped ;I  had no idea she was even awake.

Because there was someone usually having a hangover in the bathroom I usually did my make up in a tiny mirror on the bedroom floor.

“It helps with breakouts from make-up,” she explained

I had noticed red lines of raised bumps running along spots of my face but, I usually covered them up with more make-up and tried not to fall asleep in my makeup as much,

“Thank you.” I said

“So, do you like living with a lot of boys ?” Oakley asked

“It’s okay,” I admitted, I hadn’t really thought about it.

“It must be better than a cult,” Sky interjected—she was awake too by then.

“I’m not a cult member,” I said, I wondered how much Cortland had told them. I  had specifically told him United Light wasn’t a cult.

“Sorry,” Sky apologized

“Can I borrow a little bit, I left all my stuff at home,” Oakley asked changing the subject.

I looked at her. We were relatively the same complexion  but her skin was much toner and clearer and even though I doubted she needed make up I opened up my cosmetic bag for her.  I had gotten around to collecting make up and toiletries in one place.

“Oh, sorry,” she said as she opened a compact that was not make-up but, in fact the generic birth control I was forced to buy.

“Are these birth control pills ?” she asked

I nodded my head.

“Pax and I haven’t done it, I mean I don’t know if I would say no but, I don’t know . . . we’ve only been going out 3 months  . . .I am almost kind of worried he’d find a better girl here.”

“He keeps to himself,” I said to her.

“How long have you and Cortland been doing it ?,” Sky asked

I shrugged my shoulders.

“Not long,” I said

1 month and 2 weeks to date.

“We should eat breakfast on the beach,” Sky suggested, “I’m going to tell the guys,”  

And that was Sky through most of the weekend. Anything that could be seen as fun she took one more step further, she lived life to the fullest.

Instead of going to the beach they went para sailing.

Instead of going to a house party they went to a rave.

Instead of going shopping they made pottery.

Instead of playing video games they played beach Twister.

“Okay, let’s  make Jell-O Shots that go with each color and then—“ Daven was cut off by the sound of shrieks and screams of happiness.

I closed my word document and looked at the background picture of Cortland and I. The more I stared the more I saw the mis match between us. He was perfectly beautiful even in the terrible lighting of the Penthouse and I looked so average in comparison--- he belonged with perfect, smart and nice girls like Sky and Oakley

 “Where’s my girl ?”

Cortland.

I got out of my chair and looked around the corner at to the front door to see him on the ground tackled by his friends. I stood where I was just now realizing how well he fit into this picture. He was back early.

“You’re going to make me come to you aren’t you ?” he asked as I stood in my spot by the kitchen.

I hadn’t thought about it but, I nodded.

I suddenly realized for a second what is was like to have power.

 It was fun.

He got up under the weight of his friends and walked over to me and caught my lips in a forceful lip lock that was much too short.

For the first time I was smiling. I hated the way he could make me feel.

He  reached into his duffel bag took out a pink gift bag.

“For you.” he said.

I opened the box to see a pair of crystal earrings,

“Thanks,” I said giving him a hug.

This could wait

He reached into the box and prepared to put the jewelry on me.

Or not

“You’re ears aren’t pierced ?” he said taking a close look at my virgin ears.

“Sorry,”

“I feel stupid ,”

“I can do it tomorrow,” the words just spilled out of mouth before I considered it. I hated pain and I didn’t really want to do it.

“Okay,” he said,” Well, you can have this too,” he handed me a beige quilt with a country pattern of farms, animals and gingham.

“My grandmother gave it to me but, I kind of hate it.”

I on the other hand loved it, it was very home-y.

 As I pressed a corner of the blanket to the side of my face he turned back to his group of friends, “Who is ready for the game tonight ? I came back a day early just to watch it with you sons of bitches.”

“I have an idea,” said Sky, “I heard about this sport bar, Second Base why don’t we watch the game there, I’ve heard they have like amazing TVs and decent priced pitcher plus all the Marlin fans are there, I mean do you guys really sit around here all the time ?”

“I just got back, I’m kind of tired,” Cortland said handing me one of his garment bags.

“Come on, we don’t have forever in Miami," Sky pleaded

“Fine. I’m in,” Cortland agreed, “Let me go change.”

     I followed him into his room and   I watched from behind my grammar book as Cortland pulled off his magenta polo shirt and put on a black button-up , fixing his hair to his signature perfect style just to put a Marlin’s cap over it.

He was perfect.

“Well, I hope you have fun studying, want me to bring you back something ?” he asked. He came to me and pushed the side of my hair back.

I felt  like I was going to melt because I knew what was coming next.

He kissed me on the side of my face.

I loved when he did that.

“I wanted to go too,” I said putting my book on the floor and joining him by the door.

“Really ? Dressed like that ?”

“Isn’t this okay ?”

I had been wearing a pair of shorts and a Florida Marlins T-shirt, I had purchased somewhere along the line.

“You’re usually more dressed up,” he observed

“This is one of the few clean things I have,” I said as I refastened my hair into a ponytail, I had been wearing it like that all weekend and didn’t feel like flat ironing the crease out.

One thing that had perplexed me early about staying with Cortland was that despite the fact that they had a washing machine in the house there was no laundry detergent in the house. I later learned it was because most of the boys in the house had all of their clothes dry-cleaned because it was just easier. I had purchased detergent but my first few times had ended in even more stains.

The only time I ever touched the washing machines was to clean the sheets after Cortland and I had sex so, I had unfortunately become more acquainted with the machine than I cared to be.

“You’re not wearing make-up,” Cortland said, “I go away for  few days and my girlfriend doesn’t want to be sexy anymore ?”

“We are going to be late, !” Sky yelled, “Game starts in less than 30 minutes.”

I didn’t change clothes or put more make-up on but when I saw Sky and Oakley I regretted it. They were both wearing both wearing skirt outfits in teal, gray and black with their make up perfect ,but they were running late so I grabbed my bag and headed out taking Cortland’s hand.

I drove in the car with Cortland, Sky, Park and Synclair. Once again I felt invisible as they dominated the conversation. I had slipped the book into my bag earlier, in case I got behind. It would be the same as studying in the crowded house.

Second Base was packed with people most of them Marlins fans. Cortland’s housemates (except Paxton) and Sky found a seat by the bar. Watching them as I sipped on a water I realized they all had fake ID’s.

“4.50,” best deal ever, said Synclair.

The area where we were sitting was filled with jeers and curses being thrown at the multiple flat screen tv’s. I could see Cortland and his friends getting more drunk and where completely into the game and making small talk with everyone around them, Cortland hadn’t acknowledged me in nearly an hour.

 I looked behind me to see Paxton, Oakley and Park sitting at a table in a quieter corner eating some dinner. The moment didn’t look intimate, so I made my way over to sit with them until the game was over.

I pushed my way through the crowd when I saw him.

Brad.

We were walking right towards each other. I was sure he wouldn’t come up to me so I moved as far away from him as possible but, he came right at me.

“Julia,” he said, we were standing so close. Something about being around him put me back into a place of silence.

“I’d never imagine you would be in a place like this. Are you alone ?” he asked

I turned back to see Cortland.

“Ah, now I see. He’s the reason you gave up your more profitable activities ? ,” Brad laughed, I wondered if he recognized Cortland as one of his son’s friends, “ Tell, me Julia does that boy satisfy you like I did ?”

 

I could not understand  why the men at the Penthouse or any man would pay so much to be with just any girl especially a girl like me. In my nights at Violet Square I  had never seen the positions reversed and there were certainly no ladies clubs like there were gentlemen’s clubs. I had never wondered this out loud but one day, early on in our partnership Brad answered it for me.

He told me to lie on the bed and he put his hands up my nightgown, I was afraid he was going to hurt me so, I backed away but, he held me down and promised he wouldn’t hurt me. After a few minutes I felt a new sensation  building  in my body. Suddenly I wanted him and  I could hardly stand it when he stopped.

“Pumpkin,” he said holding me down, “This is how most men feel all the time. Constantly horny—looking for someone to give us feelings of unexplainable pure pleasure--constantly on the edge and when we see a pretty girl like you well, it just makes it worse. To relieve those feelings we go place like clubs or ask to see pretty girls like you. And it feels 10 times better than it ever will for you and that is worth quite a bit, in my opinion.”

I didn’t know if I believed him or not, I had no way of knowing but, I did know my body was begging for him to touch me again.

“You can relax ,” he said ,” I will always give you whatever you want,”

I remember shamefully letting out a few quiet involuntary moans.

After a few minutes I had my first orgasm.

Looking back that was probably were my impulses began. I didn’t exactly like Brad touching me and it didn’t happen often but there were times when my body asked me for things my mind couldn’t understand. There were times when I just wanted to  feel good and Brad would do that for me.

 

“Well,” said Brad taking a sip from his beer, “I won’t keep you, from your friend, but just so you know I moved out while  Margaret is in Canada, we aren’t working out so, you are always welcome back,”

He stepped to the side I walked past him, he reached down and kissed me on my lips, I instinctively did nothing and then remembered I didn’t work for him anymore and pulled away. He walked away towards a table of grinning middle aged men  and I made my way over to my original destination and sat next to Park and took out my book.

“Looks like it’s going to be  an early game,” Paxton said as I took a seat

“Why ?”Oakley asked as she offered me one of her French fries.

“We’re down 28 there is no coming back, this is getting  dull,” he explained

I had noticed the crowd thinning out and the bar becoming less crowded.

I opened my book but, I couldn’t concentrate. I was feeling suddenly on edge, but I pushed the thoughts out of my head. I couldn’t let Brad get to me.

I tried to concentrate on the difference between present tense and a present participle trying ignore my horrible thoughts when I looked over at Cortland laughing over his beer with something in his lap.

Or  someone.

Sky was sitting in his lap, messing up his perfect hair.

I could see he wasn’t into the game anymore.  I walked over to him and pulled on his arm heading outside.

“Are you okay, ba—“ I started kissing him mid-sentence I led him back to his car and opened the backseat and guided him inside.

“Juli-“ he started again but, I started taking his belt off.

“Are you serious ?,” he laughed as I straddled his lap,"You really did miss me didn't you ?"

It wasn’t about him or how perfect or how beautiful he was.

It wasn’t about reminding his friends I was his girlfriend.

It was about me.

Getting out of my head for a few minutes

And I did.

18.3

I took a seat on the stone steps starring  in disbelief at the note  on the top of the quiz I had just taken.

44F – Please make an appointment in my office.

I wanted to throw it away, to take no ownership but I was sure I would need it later.

I opened my purple book bag (10.99, Wall Mart) and took out Cortland’s  laptop to make an appointment online. I figured next week would be a good time. After sending an e-mail to make an appointment, I scrolled around to Cortland’s web page to look at more pictures of him to pass the time. I never got over looking at him and I liked to see us together, to see what the rest of the world saw. After browsing through the photos I clicked around at Cortland’s friends when I saw a photo of Cortland and Sky in front of a lush green yard with 2 mansions in the background, and she was holding a white rose—without the stems.

I looked at the caption

True Love—Spring Mixer Cort, and Me  xoxox

 

I continued to look through her photos to see him with her, kissing and being intimate, they looked so perfect together-- I felt stabbed in the heart. Had they really been a couple ? How could Cortland settle for me after being with someone as fun as her.

I closed the laptop just in time to see Cortland’s car pulling up.

He was so unbelievably handsome but, I had no idea how I was going to react.

 I wanted to be angry.

I quietly got into the car and decided not to speak to him,  the pent up anger turned into little tear but I wiped it away.

He was speeding through the street,s he went through a red light as another car stopped short of us. I had a horrific memory of the crunching metal from my earlier accident.

“Slow down,” I said.

 He kept looking at the road with the annoying smirk on his face and he  just drove faster until we were back Blue Orchid Drive, my tears were gone and I was angry. I tried to open the car door but, it was locked.

He was different.

 “Cort-“

“You’re still a whore, aren’t you ?” he asked, in an accusing tone.

“What ?”

“This morning Sky told me she saw you kissing Mr.Henley I mean what hell, Julia ?”

I took me a moment to remember Brad’s last name was Henley.

“I didn’t, he just  . . . jumped on me.”

“Or did you flirt with him like you do everyone ?”

Two could play this game

“Why didn’t you tell me Sky was your ex-girlfriend ?”

“It’s irrelevant but, she is a good friend of mine—“

“You lied,”

"I didn't lie, I just never told you. She is my friend and she is doing a good job of looking out for me, my friends told me to not get in with you and they were right."

"Speaking of friends how could you tell them I was a member of a cult ?" I asked, "I  told you all that stuff in confidence."

"Okay, my bad but they pointed out to me how unstable your previous life could have made you. They think you might snap one day or something.

"What about you ?,"  I asked,"What do you think about me,"

"How the hell can I trust you ?" he asked,"Besides all we ever do is argue because you--"

"We argue because you act like you would rather be with other girls,"

“Don’t cut me off. I was hoping this could wait until August but, I can’t deal with you anymore,” he said unlocking the doors.

“What do you mean, put this off ?”

“Julia, I will admit first I thought you would just be a one night stand but, I started to like you. I knew this was never going to be anything real. You work here, I got to school in Connecticut-“

“Your school is in Connecticut ?” I had always assumed his college was in Florida.

“Yes.”

“So,when you said you would marry me that you loved me that was a lie so you could have se-fuck me ?”

“Julia, I thought you were a nice girl but, I still  do but, I have a reputation. This whole trip was always a summer thing, I have to go back to school and prepare a career and a future and get married what is expected of me and what I want and being with someone like you-- I can’t do that. I would be with a college educated, intelligent girl—“

“Like Sky ?”

“Maybe,”

“I’m sorry I’m not fun and can’t be her but,you really would just throw me aside, I really think I love you,”

“No you don’t Juliana, God you are like a baby duck that imprints on the first person who is nice to her. Like your husband, Mr. Henely and me.”

“I don’t like Brad. I liked you I thought you would be where I belong,”

“I would think you of all people would know that we don’t live in the same world,”

“I gave my virginity to you, because you said you wanted to be with me for a long time,”

“Like I believe you were a virgin. Don’t try and guilt me, I never forced you,”

“Yes you did,” I shouted at him, “You treated me like a hole in the mattress, I wanted to sleep but I stayed up and let you do whatever you wanted to me, I gave you my body because I trusted you.  You made wash and change all the sheets from the mess you made, not to mention how I would fall asleep covered in your—“

“That wasn’t my problem maybe if you spoke up for once, you never said anything you just always have this dumb-ass vacant look on your face, like you’re retarted or something.”

He was getting angry.

“You are hurting me,” I said

“Don’t pull that innocent crap on me. I want to enjoy the rest of my summer without your crap so you know what  just get your shit and leave.”

“I have nowhere to go,” I told him

“Go to Brad or whatever guy you’ll wrap your legs around for next.”

I got out of the car and made my way into the house and grabbing a shopping I tried to find all of my clothes. I knew I was going to have to leave some things behind so, I got what I needed and wanted the most.

I heard Cortland coming in behind me I saw he helping me put stuff into my purple laundry basket

“Don’t help me,” I said even though I was just being petty.

  I put as much as I could in my book bag, the shopping bag and  the laundry basket. I saw Cortland in the living room pacing around, I went into the kitchen and intended to get whatever food I wanted but I had no desire to carry it.

I couldn’t imagine leaving without a comment without saying good-bye. . .  without a kiss.

No

He didn’t even like me.

 I put my basket on the counter and pushed it across the counter knocking over every beer and alcohol container on the counter and walked out before he could register what happened.

I stood outside and realized I had nowhere to go .

So, I went to the beach.

18.4

***

I splashed more cold water on to my face and finally rubbed my skin until all the makeup had come off. I looked closer at the line of red bumps forming on my cheek and added more cold water.

After my fight (well, break up) with Cortland I was angry but mostly the anger was covering sadness. I went to the bus station and came to the Penthouse just to clean myself up.

 I had considered throwing all my make up and clothes in the nearest trash can but I thought better of it. I threw most of the clothing into a goodwill bin along with the laundry basket  and gave the makeup to someone who would appreciate it.

Belle at the Penthouse.

 I figured the only time I would ever wear that much make-up again was when I was at work.

“You know what you are doing ?” Belle said

“Giving ?”  I ventured as I put a pink cardigan over my camisole

“You are trying to prove to this guy that you aren’t a flirt, that you don’t want anyone else’s attention except his because you want him back,” she explained, ”I learned that in psychology.”

I shook my head. That wasn’t true.

“So, you don’t want him back ?” she asked.

“No,” I said, twisting my ponytail back into a bun, “I have to go,”

 

I had never felt more nervous in my life as I walked as slowly as possible down the Miami streets. It amazed me that I forgot to bring a pen to class and never passed a test but I was beginning to understand the layout of Miami.

I wondered how this was going to begin or how it was going to end. I dragged my feet against the sidewalk until I  came to the front of the Hendrix Group office. I pushed the door open to see an unfamiliar woman at the front desk.

“Is  Sawyer Miller here ?” I asked

“He’s at lunch.” She told me

“At the Sunset Diner ?”

“I believe at the Pier  . . .he left his car,”

I turned to see the  Mustang was sitting outside. I always assumed Sawyer drove all the way to San Costa to eat lunch with Elisa—where he was comfortable.

Another long walk that I could have easily shortened with a metro ride I was once again somewhere I had never been, the Miami Pier.

It was filled with tan, happy half-dress women and men  just coming off from the beach. I looked around to see one side of the pier was covered with restaurants and shops,  I had no idea where Sawyer might be.

 I walked down the Pier looking into every restaurant to see if I saw him or even a glimpse of his curly hair.

I knew this was getting impossible and prepared to head back with my 2 bags of my possessions in tow when  I saw him sitting on the edge of the pier. It looked like he was just sitting and doing nothing but gazing into the ocean.

Wearing a short-sleeve polo shirt.

It was un-Sawyer like.

I was nervous, afraid of how to approach him after not speaking to him for almost 2 months.

I walked over to him from behind and sat next to him, I saw his eyes registered me and moved from me to the bags sitting beside me.

He put one arm around me and then another and my head leaned against his shoulder.

I wanted to apologize for the words I had said so long ago to ask for forgiveness.  But words didn’t fit. I had no idea how to begin.

Then I remembered Sawyer and I’s relationship had always been about silence, it had always been quiet, this was familiar this was comfortable.

I had to stop myself from getting to close to him,  to not kiss him, to not feel like I had to give myself to him. He didn’t want my body, he didn’t want anything from me, he never did . . .

His love was unconditional.

After 15 minutes, he pulled away from me..

“I have to go to work.” He said and kissed my cheek, “I’ll see you at home,”

Something was different about him it wasn’t until I was sitting in the cab that I realized what it was.

His burns had healed a long time ago

And now he was aware of it too.

18.5

---------

Cortland had sent me a variety of text messages the majority of which were about how he regretted  how messy things had been.  And that he missed me but, when I went to Daven’s webpage I saw Cortland seemed content at a party with Sky, who seemed content with Cortland.

 It was hard ignoring him because I wanted to still be with Cortland, I wanted to be around him I missed the way he could make me feel. And I had grown to like Paxton  but, I knew they would all be back at school in Connecticut again and I would be here.

I looked down at the latest message from Cortland.

Friends ? I miss you. I’m so sorry x infinity.

I didn’t know if he was sorry or just horny.

Not having him in my life suddenly was hard.

The day after I moved back in with Sawyer I  sat in Violet Square eating lunch alone and it just wasn’t the same. A part of me wished he would have come-- I missed the conversation I wanted to talk about my class, the girls at work and what stupid thing Sid had done just hear his voice, see his smirk. I  felt so depressed and lonely I could hardly eat.

Since then I had resolved to go back to eating my lunch inside, under the prowling eyes of my co-workers.

As if sensing my loneliness my phone rang and I saw it was Sawyer’s number.

He never called during the day.

 “Hey, Juliana look you have to come home as soon as you get off work, we have a big problem,” Sawyer said, he sounded like he was panicking.

“What ?”

“I’m at work now but,  be home on time, okay ?”

“Okay,” I agree

I heard someone behind me and turn to see Sid

“Word is you broke up with Zach Morris ?”

“Cortland ?”

“Whatever, yes that preppy douche-bag.”

“Cortland, Yes it didn’t work out,”

“Look those idiots always come down here looking for some ass to lose their virginity to before they marry some chick names Windsor or some shit and take over the family company. The point is I am here, I will always be here and if you would like to take this offer we could sneak out of here go to my place—“

“Juliana take room 12 please,” Kennedy said interrupting and elbowing Sid.

I was more than happy to and I quickly walked away from Sid.

 I came to a table of the usual men in suits.

Brad was sitting at the head.

“Julia,” he said walking up towards me, “Just the waitress I requested. May I have a word with you alone ?”

It took a lot of my energy to form the next words out of my mouth

“No.”

I had never said no to Brad.

“It will only take a moment, “ He said taking my arm and leading  me out the back door, the submissive part of me that Brad brought out kicked in and I followed him.

“I can’t tal—“ I was interrupted by a hard slap across my face.

I felt warm tears coming up from behind my eyes immediately as I registered what just happened

 Just as I was out of the shock he slapped me again, this time I let out a soft cry and lost my balance falling  to the ground.

“Get up,” he said pulling my arm and yanking me so I was standing next to him, tears were streaming down my face.

"Please don-" I managed to get out begging him not hit me again even though he didn't look like he was

I attempted to head  for the door but he grabbed my arm and pulled me back slapping me again.

I just stood where I was wiping my eyes.

No one had ever touched me like that before.

Brad reached to pull my hands back and I flinched afraid he was going to slap me again.

“You stupid little slut, did you really think I wouldn’t notice half a million dollars missing ? I didn’t put it together until I saw you a few days ago at the bar. I don’t know who you think you are or what you were trying to pull on me but, I want my money back now”

“I don’t have it,” I cried.

“Well,since you are good at being a dirty little slut maybe I will fuck you long and hard until you earn your half a million dollars. You will be my little bitch for as long as I say , I will screw you until you cry real tears or should I let the people in prison l have a field day with you  because they will. Didn't I tell you you were to stupid to even think of looking at my money ?”

I pulled hard against his grip and my hand slipped out  and I made my way for the door and into the restaurant. Once inside Brad could do nothing with all the people around. I went directly into Sid’s office and crawled over his desk and kissed him.

I had to close my eyes and pretend he was

Cort—somebody else

“You fin-“

“Take me to your place.” I said, taking some of the buttons of his shirt “Now.”

 

____

Elisa

I stared at the phone again and looked though the history. This wasn’t right it couldn’t be right.

“Elisa,honey  I ordered my eggs poached,” Mrs. Hammond said.

I looked down to see I had indeed gotten a regular of  10 years order wrong.

“I’m sorry I’m distracted,” I admitted

She gave me a kind look as usual and I took her order back to the kitchen window.

It was a slow evening so, while I waited for it to come up, I dialed voicemail again and got the same old message

“Damn, come on.” I sighed.

I listened to the message again.

Something wasn’t right.

I looked at the clock

6:30

Only 30 minutes left in my shift.

 

___

Juliana

 

I ran out of the car in front of Sid.

“I have the key you know,” he laughed holding up his house key.

“I have to change first,” I told him heading up the stairs,

“You look hot the way—“

“I’ll be right down,”  I said as I hurried up more steps, I stopped at the top of the staircase to hear Sid go into his own apartment.

I was about to take the last flight up  when I heard someone coming up from behind me going faster than I was,  I looked to see Elisa taking the steps 4 at a time.

She ignored me but I followed behind her at the same speed and we got to the apartment at the same time, she opened the door to see Sawyer pacing in the living room.

“We have a problem,” All three of us said in unison.

“Why the hell are you dressed like that ? ,” Sawyer asked. He hadn’t seen me in my work clothes I hadn’t managed to change out of.

I went over to the closet to put my robe on.

“Brad knows that I took the money,” I said, “He came to the Penthouse he threatened to take me until I repaid the debt. He is really mad. We have to get it back,”

 “We have a more urgent  problem,” Sawyer said.

“I know,” said Elisa ,”Rosa usually calls me twice a week and she hasn’t called in 2 weeks and the last time she did she left a message something--about changes at the communes and she sounded off. She said she would call me back but she hasn’t. I need to go back I’m worried about her.”

“We have a bigger more important problem,” Sawyer said.

“What the hell could possibly be more important ?” Elisa asked

“My parents are coming to visit.”

“When  ?” she asked

“They are 1 hour out, they just sprung it on me. They want to see me in my  house, with my wife who is supposed to be 3 months pregnant. Not living with my girlfriend and ex-wife while I’m  on probation, with burns from a rolling meth lab, and going to drug counseling every week.”

“It is really sad that you win who has the biggest problem right now contest,”  Elisa said

We all stood in our places, the minutes ticking away deciding what we were going to do next