17.1

“And then some Light for the ladies . . .  and look it is on sale,” West said as he pulled a case of Bud Light off the shelf and into his  cart which was already filled with a case of  Coors and 12-pack of Coke.

He pushed the cart around the corner and down the frozen food aisle while I twirled my own basket on my arm. My basket was filled with fresh fruit juices, Triscuts and fruit-- things that seemed absent from the house.

Yesterday had been a complete mistake and while I had lots of regret for the things I had said to Sawyer I was also beginning to get quite stubborn.

After my uneventful first time with Cortland we ended up staying up for most of the night talking about everything.  Halfway through the night Cortland went to get us something to drink only to come back to give me the news that West and Daven had made cocktail out of all the drinks in the house and everything had alcohol in it, including the milk and orange juice. I wasn’t really ever  one to drink alcohol but being in that summer share I had no choice so, I  drank it down. It wasn’t bad actually, I had tasted worst things.

The  bit of alcohol I had put me to sleep and I felt content when I woke up in Cortland’s arms but, I knew me not coming back  to the apartment and not calling was the one thing I did that made Sawyer angry the most.  I woke Cortland up and told him he had to take me back so, I could possibly get in before Sawyer or Elisa woke up but, I had no such luck.

I barely remembered the words I had said to Sawyer, in reality they meant nothing they were just a random assortment of emotions, I wanted to shut myself up but I didn’t want to give in to Sawyer and his rules. I hated when Sid was right. After I threw away the ring  I walked as far as I could before I called Cortland to come and get me.

Back at the share I cried in his arms over everything I had made mistakes over until he went to work.  I asked him if I could stay with him for a few days until things cooled over and he said he'd be more than happy to have me.

When he left for work, I still stayed  on the couch trying to make sense of what was going on , expecting to be ignored by Cortland’s housemates but West--having turned the gallon of milk into white Russian-- was going shopping and suggested I go  with him especially if I may be staying there for a few days. I was hesitant but he seemed genuine and it had been a while since someone reached out to me so I agreed.

That’s how I ended up at Wal-Mart.

West reached into the freezer case and pulled out a large bag of frozen buffalo wings.

“You know, Julia um, Cortland was  like you think we don’t like you but you should know we do,”

I had always been curious about this.

“Even when you first met me ?”

“Okay, it’s just we got the summer share so we  could party have fun,no responsibility, no bullshity best summer of our life thing and when Cortland went out with you it was all about, he’s going to hook up with stripper or whatever—“

“I’m not a stripper.”

“Sorry, I guess—anyway I think somewhere along the line he developed feelings for you and how can we not like someone who makes one of our friends so happy. You are a pretty cool chick, down to earth and it’s nice having a girl around. So, don’t obsess about us not liking you.”

“Thanks,” I said

“Sure,” he said giving me a half-hug.

I kissed him on the cheek.

He scrolled through the screen on his phone  checking off the last two things on his list; frozen mini pizzas and chicken wings.

“We’re done ?” I asked

“Yeah,” he said heading for the register as we approached the endless lines,  I saw a pair of blue jeans  shorts covered in bleach stains and holes. It wasn’t the style that caught my attention but, the price.  At only 8$ I slid away from him and put them into my basket.

I was shocked by the amount of impulses I had lately , I had already found 10 pieces of clothing and 8 pieces of make-up I was sure would last me the few days I was staying at the share. I had no intentions of going back to Sawyer and Elisa's apartment until our argument was over.

“That’s a lot of clothes,” West said as I also slipped in a 3$ pair of flip flops ,”How long are you planning on staying ?’

“It’s only a few days,” I reminded him

But a few days turned into a week and a week turned into two.

--------------------

Sawyer

“What are you doing after this?” Elisa asked as she placed my turkey sandwich in front of me and took a seat in the booth across from me.

I knew that was a loaded question, it always was. What she really meant was ‘are you going to find Juliana today or are you going to visit the Morris’s today.’

The usual answer was no.

The first hours after she walked out I was angry but, after a few days  I felt nothing but guilt over what I had said and I had done and I just hoped she would walk back through that door and it would be okay we’d go back to normal (whatever the hell that is)  but, the farther I removed myself from her the easier it got. After a while  I realized that I was right and if she really thought she didn’t need me then fine.

I’d let her fall.

At the end of the week Elisa took all her stuff out of the apartment to give to Sid. When Elisa came back she told me Sid said Juliana seemed to be doing just fine, then again Sid isn’t one for reading emotions. I realized I got what I wanted . She was out of my life.

 I didn’t want it like this but, she wasn’t the girl I . . .  I married.

When I got the finalized divorce papers  in the mail two days ago I realized it was officially over. I had decided to write her a note to send with the divorce papers for Sid to take back to her.

Dear Juliana,

                When I first met you, I had no idea what our life would have been like. More importantly how you would fit into mine. I wish you understood the responsibility that was put on me by agreeing to marry you and I regret it. I regret marrying you—but not meeting you. I think there is a person inside you who you are just now getting to know and maybe that person doesn’t align with me. I know I’ve hurt you and you have no reason to trust me but, I want you to know that I don’t hold anger forever I’m just stressed over a million little things.

 The letter went on for 10 pages about how I felt about her, how she had changed and everything else on my mind, but she hadn’t responded so I assumed she needed time which I was willing to give her.

Elisa pulled out a notebook and started writing out a schedule.

“Why are you making the schedule? That’s Sid’s job,”

“You know you can’t put the words ‘Sid’ and’ job’ in a sentence without the words blow in between,” she half-joked, “He has been really stressed over something . He is barely here—apparently being in the boob business isn’t as lucrative as he thought-- besides I can handle it.”

I decided to change the subjects

“I’m going to do it, I’m going to see the Morris’.”

“And they will slam the door in your face.” She said

“No they won’t. I put together a plan . . .I invited them to the Hendrix Group office.” I told her,”I told them they could get  a settlement.”

“You lied ?” she said in an accusing ton “Sawyer,”

“No, they could actually.”

“How are they by the way ?” she asked

“I have no clue.”

17.2

------

Juliana

“Damn,” was all he said taking my hand and twirling me around, I couldn’t  help but to give a smile. Every little non-sexual touch from him, gave me little jolts of happiness.

“I look stupid,” I said walking away put he reached for my hand again and pulled me back closer to him

“No, you look really damn smoking hot.” He argued and started kissing me, picking me up and laying me down on the futon.

There was something about him kissing me that always made me excited, it was like he wanted me. I loved it even though I usually had to initiate a kiss.

Sid and Kennedy had called a Penthouse staff meeting last week to announce not only were they firing 3 waitresses (the oldest ones) but, that we were also getting new uniforms.

As they passed out the boxes they also told us  that the 90 dollar price tag was coming out of our paychecks.

I opened the box in Cortlands’s car as we were driving back to the share and had no idea what I was paying for. The box had a pair of black boy shorts with silver lace trimming,  a black and white corset and a piece of fabrics I  learned was a garter belt. The uniform also came with two of the most tortuous piece of clothing I had never worn --stockings and a pair of 4 inch black laced beige heels.

When we got inside the share Cortland insisted I try it on.

“Won’t they be back soon,” I warned him referring to his roommates as he pulled my heels off and got on top of me.

“ I have no clue .”

He was being honest.

As predictable as my life had been with Sawyer it was unpredictable at 584 Blue Orchid Road. I stuck to my schedule working all day on weekdays and all night on weekends, when I wasn’t doing that I did what I usually did; take naps or listen to music.

But in the house Cortland and his housemates barely worked 4 days a week, there were some nights when they would have Xbox marathons all night and then sleep through the day or they would go out  to some partyand come back with one less housemate. It was so unstructured I could never figure out when someone was going or coming.

I hadn’t really gotten to know the rest of my housemates that well but I had distinguished them enough.

Daven, one of Cortland’s fraternity brothers was the oldest at 22 but also the most immature, he always seemed to have a story about something he had done that was illegal or crazy but he labeled good times.

West, Cortland’s other fraternity brother  and who I saw as the nicest one of them. He was Cortland’s big brother in the fraternity and he was the one who found the house they all shared.

Paxton was  the most toned down of them all, he always went with the others but seemed to be watching from the sidelines.

Synclair had been Cortland’s best friend for the longest time but he seemed very independent.

All of Cortland's housemates had the same extremely good-looking face and body but, Cortland always stuck out to me as the most handsome one.

And then there was Hunt, who seemed to always be around even though he didn’t live at the house. He was only 16 so he never went out with the other boys but he looked up to them.

As far as sleeping arrangements, Cortland let me share his bed with him and while I liked having a door and  a real mattress,  sleeping in the same bed with Cortland had proven to be a challenge. He couldn’t be in the same bed with me without initiating sex  so the amount I was sleeping was cut in half but who was I not to be oblige ?

I had explained to him about the STD I had gotten but,  it didn't seem to bother him. I found sleeping with him to be more work for me than for him. I had to buy birth control pills and deal with some of the side effects  but, looking up into his face and knowing he was here with me made it all worth it.

As I lay on the couch in my new uniform his hands fell over the delicate hooks  of the garter belt holding up the stockings , I could imagine them breaking already so I pushed his hand away and began to unhook myself it when  the door opened and Hunt, Synclair West, Paxton and Daven and walked in. We both immediately sat up but the damage was already done.

I heard a few whistles and Cortland showed them his middle finger.

“I’m changing,” I whispered to him  wondering how pink my face was.

“No wait,” he said ,”We are all here for once, I think we need to have a house meeting. Come on.”

“I’ll change first,” I said

“Please don’t ,” said Daven sitting on the couch next to me as the other boys found spots on the floor and in chairs

“I love having Julia here," Cortland started "And it looks like things at her place aren’t going to be patched up anytime soon so, I thought we could talk about how we want to work out the living situation.”

“If you dress like that all the time you can live here rent free,” Daven joked

“Well, okay what about she just pays a part of what you pay?” Paxton offered,” I mean we could definitely use a female around here.”

“Hey, she isn’t just going to kick out the one night stands you guys bring back,” Cortland said

“That’s not what  I meant,” he said.

“So, you’re all okay with Julia staying here ?” Cortland polled, they all nodded.

“Thank you,” I said,” I’ll be helpful”

“I admit I am a little pissed she gets to move in and I don't.” Hunt said

“Uh, because you aren’t legal,” Cortland said, “Anything else to bring to the house meeting ?”

They were all wondering off already.

“Okay, I’ll show you your new room,” Cortland said picking me up and carrying me of to his room and putting  me on the bed, “You can put some stuff you like in here too,” he said

“Don’t you have to be at work ?” I asked as he got on top of me.

“Not for another hour.”

I looked up at the ceiling, and decided I would hang something there.

***

 

While standing with a bunch of girls wearing the same outfit I thought I would feel more comfortable but, I felt more neglected.

“You all look cute,” Kennedy said as she handed out the schedules.

“No, they look like hot. “ Sid interjected,” It’s like being served a big piece of meat by sex I totally just saved this business’s ass.”

“Yeah, but we are lowering the standard,” Kennedy said

“Oh come one, girls wear more at the beach,” he argued

I looked down at my name on the schedule. I was working  from 10PM to 4 AM tomorrow and  11 AM to 1 AMthe next day and 11 to 7 the next.

I decided to approach my schedule issues a different way than I had before

“Is this right ?,” I said walking up to Kennedy and Sid

“Yeah, I’m sorry but, with firing 3 people we all have to take some slack.” She said, in a surprisingly sympathetic tone but shot Sid a look.

“But, I only have 7 hours off between tomorrow and my next shift and it takes me an hour to get home.”

“Sorry,” she repeated and headed to her office.

“Oh, hey Juliana” Sid called

I kept walking, I didn’t need to hear his comments.

“Sawyer wanted me to give this to you.”

I stopped.

Not because I cared.

Okay, I cared.

It had almost been 3 weeks.

I turned around to see him handing me the manila folder he had been carrying around the past week.

I took it to the back of the room to open it.

I was divorced.

***

 

I didn’t know if I was supposed to celebrate or be sad but I decided not to tell Cortland, he barely remembered I had been married.

I could barely make it through his letter but, I wrote a one page letter trying to explain how I felt but, even though I knew it came up empty.

After working nearly all day for the past 3 days, on Monday (the day I got off at 8) Cortland had sent Hunt to come pick me up. I wasn't surprised because I had been introduced to a different tradition a few days ago.

 Inside the house was an unusual site, all of the housemates together sitting in front of the large flat screen watching the  baseball game. I was usually sleeping during this but tonight, I didn’t feel like being alone and I wanted to talk to Cortland so I walked over to the living room and I sat in Cortland’s lap playing with his hair and kissing him as they talked and jeered intently at the television.

“You’re trying to distract me,” he said as a commercial break came on 20 minutes later, acknowledging me for the first time. The truth was I just liked getting him hot and bothered, I had no idea why.

“I feel like I’ve barely been able to see you or daylight with all me hou—“

I was hushed by the housemates as the game came back on. I knew where I could put my hands to get his attention again but, I decided not to.

The doorbell rang but they all stayed where they were. I felt Cortland passing me 30$.

“Can you get the door ?” he asked

 I had worked nearly 96 hours straight serving people and was hoping to get some rest but, I was polite enough and played waitress—getting the pizza, fetching beers, opening cans but only because  I had some better news I wanted to share.

2 and a half hours into the game I was still barely lucid, resting my head in Cortland’s lap and judging by the time passing I assumed the game was almost over.

“Cortland I have something to say,” I said sitting up.

“Hold on, baby the game is almost over,”

“I know but I’m about to go to—“

“Hold on a second, Julia.”

“I have dec—“ he put his hand over my mouth. I pushed his hand forcefully away, I knew he was being playful but, I felt a little bit of anger.

The game ended 12 minutes later the score exactly the same as it had been the last hour. Daven immediately turned it to the sports news.

“Uh-oh she is pissed,” Synclair said.

“No, I’m not,” I defended myself.

“I’m sorry, what is it ?” Cortland asked rubbing his hand over my body.

It seemed so unimportant now.

I wanted it to be unimportant now.

“I printed the paperwork for Shoreline the other day. I want to go to school.”

I was meant with some claps and it felt important again.

“That’s awesome,” Cortland said kissing me. I think he is aware how much I loved when kissed me, how addicted I was.

“So, what are you going to major in ?” Paxton asked

I hadn’t thought about that, all I knew was  I wanted to be a better person.

A good person.

A nice person

Nice.

“ I want to be a medical secretary,” I said

I heard some snickers.

“Is that a thing now ?” Hunt asked.

I pulled  the brochure out of my pocket to show them.

“Why not be like a physician’s assistant or nurse or better yet a doctor.” Daven suggested

“Dental Hygenist, Child development wouldn’t you want something more profitable?” Paxton said flipping through the brochure

“Hey come on you guys she is doing what she wants and I am happy for her,” Cortland said,”Besides, Pax like International Studies is ever going to be profitable. Let’s celebrate with a drink”

“I’m tired, I’m going to sleep.” I said as I headed for the bedroom

“I’ll go with you, “he said following after me.

“When do you start  ?” he asked taking my clothes off.

“I’m turning in the paper tomorrow and then the woman on the phone said I could maybe take a summer class.”

“That’s great, I’ll make room in my schedule to take you. I told you that you were smart.”

He pushed me on the bed and started kissing me, it was bliss to me. I loved when he took control, when he acted like he wanted me.

***

 

“We’re going to be late,” Cortland called to me from the living room.

I had finally decided on wearing a pair of khaki shorts but, I was still topless because I wasn’t sure if I wanted the purple camisole or the green one.

“Julia,” he said coming to the door.

“I’m making a decision,” I explained

“Why not go with both,” he suggested walking out of the door.

He had a point.

I slipped both of the camisoles over my head and grabbed my bag, and met him by his car. I put my arms around Cortland and kissed him. I was nervous and kissing him comforted me.

I was taking an Introduction to Keyboarding summer course  on Tuesday and Thursday afternoons. Sid seemed disappointed in my choice but Kennedy seemed pleased and was more than happy to accommodate my schedule.

As we got closer to the school, I was shaking with nerves and regretted ever deciding to go. He reached over and  held my hand.

“Baby, calm down. It’s just school.” He told me

“I’ve never been before,” I said

“Want me to walk you to your class ?”

“I want you to stay with me,”

“I can’t do that. I have to go to work,”

He parked his car on the side of the building and together we walked inside.

 “Where are we going ?” Cortland asked as we entered the building hand in hand. I shuffled through my bag for the paper I had been given.

“You should get a folder, you’ll get a lot of paper.” He advised me.

“Okay, I’ll do that.” I said, “Room 212.”

He led me upstairs and we passed all the numbers

210, 211

“How did you know  where it was?”

“Well the first number usually denotes floor number.”

Denotes, Cortland and his big words.

I kissed me again and  he took me in a deep embrace.

“Have fun,” he said walking off.

I almost cried watching him leave, what if there was something else I couldn’t figure out on my own ?

I took a breath but couldn’t make myself go inside.

“Keyboarding 101 ?” someone said

I turned to see a girl who looked my age facing me

“I’m sorry ?” I said

“Is this keyboarding 101 ?” she repeated

I nodded and she opened the door leaving it open for me.

I had no choice but to go in.

The room was lined with a row of computers. I saw a short older man sitting at the front. I had gotten plenty of advice from my housemates so I sat in the front and prepared to take notes.

I nervously looked around to get glimpses of everyone else but they just looked bored, I wondered what I was supposed to do. I sat rearranging my pencils and the computer paper I had taken from Cortland’s computer.

The class began and Mr. Handler introduced himself and Cortland was right. We were passed papers  and told to get books. He then passed us out  a sheet of paper with a paragraph from the constitution  on it and asked us to retype it so he could evaluate our skills

I typed a word on the screen and nothing showed up. I looked around to see everyone around me with white screens. I could hear the sound of his feet coming closer and I began to feel nervous.

“Having trouble ?” he asked looking over my screen.

“Yes,” I admitted.

“First you need to open, Word.” He pointed to a little blue image on the screen. I did and then began to type. I frantically searched for each key and tried to move at the same rhythmic pace as my classmates but it was impossible.

At the end of the class we were assigned work for the next Tuesday.  We were let out 40 minutes early and I knew West (who had agreed to pick me up) would be working for another hour  so  I went downstairs to buy the books.

I ended up buying 2 folders, highlighters, pens along with the books.

I wandered around and made my way to the cafeteria where I purchased a lemonade and a pretzel, I looked around for a place to sit but, it all felt very empty even though it was full of people I took a seat by myself at a table and watched the crowds.

I didn’t know if I liked this.

17.3

***

“How do you like your classes ?” Kennedy asked as she untied the last string and I could breath normally again.

“It’s only been a week but, it’s hard,” I responded

“No, it’s just challenging.” She clarified

“Thanks,” I said

“No problem,”

My already full schedule had become even more hectic with taking a class but, I never had to work  late night the days before I had class and Kennedy had tried to give me days off but  Sid had yet to find waitresses who lived up to his new standard.

The new uniforms were having giving me an increase in tips but other than that they were a hassle. I could barely get out of it without Kennedy's help and it always invited more uninvited touches than I was comfortable with. But when the increased tips turned into little things like  scented candles, a new shirt or sometimes a gift for Cortland I didn’t mind anymore.

I removed the rest of my uniform and sat down on the bench to call Cortland when I saw he was calling me.

“Baby, I need you to come to Flager street,” he said

“What ?”

“I just need you to come, right now. You just have to walk down to 12^th and then make a left.”

“Okay,” I agreed

“See you soon,” he said and hung up

I  pulled on my normal clothes and reached into the darkness for my flip flops to see they were missing. I had given up on looking for my disappearing objects so, I slipped on my beige and black work shoes and   clacked my way—as carefully as possible not to mess them up--down the street. I asked directions  twice before I got to Flager St. It was empty  no  long lines, it was lined with bars and tiny cafe's the murmur of people and music reaching the streets. I saw Cortland standing by a streetlight talking to a girl.

I walked up to him and when he heard my clacks he started walking towards me, he gave me a kiss and grabbed my ass but I was repelled by something.

“Have you been drinking ?”

“Yeah, I’m a little plastered,” he admitted, groping me “ So, I really need you to drive me back home,”

I was surprised, because Cortland couldn’t be legally served beer he was only ever got drunk at the house or at a party where home was in walking distance.

“I can’t drive. What about your friend ?” I said acknowledging the girl.

“She is just a friend from school who made sure I called a ride. She works here.”

 “Can we call one of your friends ?”

“I don’t know where those fuckers are tonight. Syn totally bailed on me and isn’t picking up. IIt's fine ’ll talk you through it,” he said as he guided us towards the Audi on the side of the street where he pulled a purple piece of paper off the windsheild.

“I can’t do this,” I said

“It’s a fucking car just drive it, it’s not that hard,” he said climbing into the passenger side and slamming the door.

I let his condescending comment go and he talked me through starting the engine , he guided the wheel towards the road but when I saw headlights I stepped into the break and we were both pushed forward.

“Holy shit, calm down,” he said,”We aren’t even out of the space.”

“I don’t drive good,” I reminded him

“You don’t  drive well,” he said

“What?”

“It’s well not good, I hate when you do shit like that.”

“What do you mean ?”

“Nothing, just go again and heads up there will be other cars on the road.”

We made it out of the empty space and I navigated my way through the streets although Cortlands hand never left the wheel.  Once on the parkway we go honks from every direction when we drifted lanes, I had never been so focused on anything in my life.

I  was happy when I turned into the complex. As I came to a stop at the intersection my heel slipped against the pedal and the car moved quickly forward.

To quick for either of us to control and I heard a sickening crunch as the car collided with something and we were bumped off the street. I screamed and closed my eyes to afraid to see what had happened

“Crap.” Cortland said,

I opened my eyes to see I had run into another car. I felt the tears already forming n my eyes and I tried to quickly wipe them but they kept coming down.

“Oh no,I didn’t I—“ I tried to explain but, I was beginning to hypervenilate.

“You didn’t look or you didn’t pay attention,” Cortland said, “Look there is a stop sign right there. Fuck. You need to to talk to them and  get their number.”

I was still trying to catch my breath while he put his feet up and looked into the ceiling.

I finally caught my breath.

“Why me?” I asked

“Because they might get upset if they notice I’m wasted.”

I stayed where I was crying into the side of the car.

“Julia, please pull yourself together go before they come to us,”he said.

I reluctantly stepped out of the car and over to the other vehicle. I saw the side of their car had the logo from Cortland’s car forced into their cars side.

I got closer and I saw the car was occupied with two women.

“I’m sorry it’s all my fault.” I admitted

I gave them all the information Cortland had given me and apologized profusely.

  Cortland made me drive the last  4 minutes to the house while I listened to him chastise me about my poor driving skills.  I stopped the car in front of the house and walked inside.

“You didn’t park the car !” he called out as I opened the house door.  I saw Paxton watching me as I made my way through the door and  into the kitchen.

Paxton hearing Cortland yelling after me looked out the window .

“Crap,what did Cortland do ? His parents are going to be pissed.” He said

I found the carton of all natural orange juice I had found at the store and I poured myself a glass, sipping it to help me calm down. I took note that it was almost empty.

“I did it,” I confessed ,”Cortland asked me to drive,”

Cortland came through the door and still looked angry.

“Are you okay, Juliana ?” he asked

“Yes,” I said

“Why the hell didn’t you look ? Anyone would have seen that coming ? Now I have to get it fixed.”

“I’ll pay for it,” I said feeling the tears coming back

Cortland took the carton of Orange juice and looking at the display on the counter proceeded to fill the  carton  with vodka.

“Stop,” I said pushing pushing the vodka away from him ,”That’s my orange juice,”

“Since when do you have orange juice ?,” he asked drinking out of the carton.

“I bought it with my own money because ya’ll put alcohol in everything.

“Did you say ya’ll  ?” he laughed

I took my glass of orange juice and walked into the bedroom. I was already throwing my clothes in the purple laundry basket I had bought when Cortland came in behind me  I glimpsed at him to see he was empty handed . He put his hands around my waist and rocked me back and forth

“I’m sorry, I guess I care about my car too much, when I should be caring  more about you” he said, kissing the side of my face, “Are you mad at me ?”

“Of course not,” I said.

He unsnapped my bra and took off my underwear, letting  them on to the ground he  lead me over to the bed. He started kissing my breast.

 “I’ll pay the damage,” I said.

“I have good insurance,”  he said “My premium might go up but I might get accident forgiveness,”

“What does that mean ?”I asked

“It means my insurance company will take care of the damage and you can pay me back by giving me blowjobs on demand, lots of crazy sex, cleaning the room and you have to cook for me at least one night a week.”

“That’s a lot.” I said adjusting my legs so they wrapped around him.

“Well, since you told them it was your fault and you're not insured I may have to pay for something” he said.

I heard him unbuckle his belt and I felt those familiar feelings of arousal but, they meant nothing to me because I knew being with Cortland would leave me on edge, craving satisfaction--a release until I fell asleep. It also made me kind of angry how much he enjoyed it but, I usually pushed these thoughts out of my head and lived in the moment. And this moment  after all the hours work,  school and crying I only had one feeling.

“I’m really tired,” I said giving him a kiss on the cheek and playfully pushing him away

“You’re mad. Why are you mad ?”

“I’m not mad.” I kind of was, but I was more tired.

“Yes you are, you’ve never been tired before. I’m sorry I yelled at you and said all that stuff, it was stupid of me, huh ?.”

I nodded in agreement and  let out sigh he penetrated me.

I looked up at the ceiling and relaxed because I knew the monotonous rocking would ease me to sleep.

If nothing else.

***

The next day was my first day off so, I decided to start the next morning with cooking with breakfast. I went into the closet to get my robe and searched the mass of clothes until I found the bra and panties I had on last night. Leaving the robe open I went into the kitchen and looked into the fridge for something I could cook and decided on eggs and bacon.

I was picking shells out of the uncooked egg goop in the pan when I heard a loud knock on the door.

“Open the door dickheads !,” a familiar voice yelled from the other side

I opened it to see West walking in with a silver barrel.

“Sorry, I thought you wer—“ he began

“It’s okay,” I said going back to the kitchen, “what’s that ?”

 “Um, it’s keg,” he laughed as he went back out to the porch and came back with a large plastic container.

“I’m gonna get ice later.” he explained,"The party is tonight it's bring your own beer."

“I didn’t know we were having a party,” I said as I chopped into the eggs—that were cooking rather quickly-- trying to create fluffy pieces.

“We had a house meeting but you were in class, I assumed Cortland told you.  Is it not cool ?”

“No, it’s fine . .  . I just didn’t know that’s all. It’s not my house, anyway”

I looked through the cabinets until I found a plate.

Looking through the cabinets reflection I saw Cortland came out of the bedroom in boxers giving West a tap on the wrist.

“Shit dude, I saw your car.” West said.

“It’s no big deal,” Cortland said

“What happened ? ”

“It was nothi-“

“I did it,” I confessed as I put the food on a plate.

“Oh my god you actually did it ? I am so honored,” he said taking a seat on the futon.

“Once a week, right ?” I said ,”Did you know about the party ?”

“Yeah, we’re inviting some of the neighbors we are cool with, it’s bring your own beer,” he said as I made my way over to him and found a spot where I fit in perfectly with him.

“You didn’t tell me I live here to.” I pointed out

“You barely pay rent," Cortland said "Plus, it’s no huge deal. “

“I would have just liked to be apart too, I want to be like everyone else.” I told him

“You’re not like everyone else in this house, if they walked around dressed like you we’d beat the crap out of them.”

“So, you were just never going to tell me ?”

“It’s not like that. Forget it, I don’t even want to have this conversation with you. You get so insecure,” he said, ”What are you doing today ?”

“I am going to be studying today,” I told him,”Do you want to study with me ?”

“What the hell is there to study ?” he laughed, “ Don’t you have to just like type ?”

“No, we have to memorize where all the keys are and know how to format everything. I’m the most slow person, it’s hard.”

"You mean slowest ?" he corrected me

"Yes, that's what I meant." I said.

Being in school was the first time I felt like I was in a competition with others, I wanted to get the same praises my classmates got even though  I was struggling. I picked up Cortland’s laptop from the coffee table and practiced my memorization while he watched a morning sports show.

 “Can I try ?” he asked after a while

He looked at my paper and without taking his eyes of the sports anchor typed the entire paragraph and added a  C <3 J.

“Maybe I need to get into this class.” He said giving the laptop back to me.

I let the computer fall into the couch and  walked outside to the back porch. I heard the back door open.

“What’s wrong , now?” he asked

“Nothing,”

“What is it ?” he asked

“You make me feel stupid.” I admitted

“I just happen to spend too much time on computers,” he said, kissing my face “Stop saying that about yourself you are not stupid, you’re just new at this.”

I went back inside with him and did the only thing I could

Practice.

------

 

“Never have I ever . . .  had sex in a car,” the tan brunette, Mia  giggled.

I watched around the room as 3 people put down a finger and threw back the little cups infront of them, including me. I gagged a little as I felt the sweet grape gelatin made it’s way down my throat.

Who knew I would get one.

I saw a few eyes shift to Cortland who didn’t take a drink and he was met with laughter.

I was learning there were lots of things I had never done making me not very good at this game. I hadn’t gone to prom, skipped school, drove over the speed limit, cheated on a test, left in the middle of a movie.

I had been nervous about the party and for the first  hour I stayed in the bedroom with the door closed practicing for my class and intended to sleep through the entire thing.  I had met a few of the other girls when they first came and they were all taller, prettier.They were from out of state and had a share too. Just as I was getting into bed Cortland and Daven came in and tried to drag me out of the room so, I agreed to come out to say hello.

I quickly ran the flat iron over my hair, brushed on a full face of make up and put on a floral print tube top and a pair of destroyed shorts, the only things  I had  that looked both nice and close to clean and walked out to say hello.

I was shocked when I saw someone I recognized. Mia was another waitress at the club and while she hadn’t ever been directly mean to me I could tell it was awkward for her too. She told me some of the girls were very cliquey but she had no problem with me and introduced me to her housemates but, I was sure it was a formality.

Somehow that turned into me being invited to play, Never Have I Ever with the a group of people’s whose names I barely knew. There were about 9 people playing  and after going through the circle twice I had only gotten one.

“Never have I ever . . . “ Cortland began,” Been to Louisiana”

He was giving me one. I sipped down my second shot of the night.

That question took out yellow polo shirt and , the game was over, I walked off before being forced to take part in another. I looked around the house, it was differently with all these people in it. The back porch was filled with SOLO cups and Daven leading what he called extreme drinking sports. The living room was had a few couples sitting around making out or dancing to the music.

 I saw Paxton was sitting on a step texting on his phone. He had cheered on during  a flip cup game but he hadn’t participated in anything and was just sitting drinking a beer.

I sat down next to him.

“Having fun ?”he asked

“Little bit.” I admitted, it was fun being around people who always seemed to have something to laugh about.

“So, how do you like living with us ?” he asked, screwing the top of off a bottle of hard lemonade and  handing it to me.

“Different.” I admitted taking a sip from the bottle.

“Well, my girlfriend is coming  down next week—she went on a family trip to Germany--- for the weekend. You’ll have some female energy.”

I nodded my head. Cortland’s housemates had never caught on to my insecurities around other people.

Paxton took my hand and led me into the living room and we danced  to the music.

“You dance well,” he said

“No, I don’t,” I said

He went on to tell me something about the song when I saw it.

Cortland kissing Mia.

I watched him pulling away from her and give her his signature smirk.

The smirk that usually made me melt.

“How well does Cortland know her. “ I whispered to Paxton pointing to the giggling brunette.

“I don’t know, why ?” he asked

“Cortland just kissed  her --, what should I do ?”

“Are you pissed ?” he asked

“No, just confused,”

Paxton called Cortland over.

When Cortland came over, Paxton nonchalantly walked off.

“Is Pax trying to steal you from me ?” he joked putting his arms around me and dancing.

“Why did you kiss that girl ?” I asked trying not sound hurt, but I was. I knew how easy it would be to lose him to someone better.

“We were playing truth or dare . . . she dared me. It was a game  please don’t be that girl,” he said.

“It just seemed weird. You know how my co-workers are,” I reminded him

“She doesn’t hate you,she thinks you are sweet,  it’s just a game relax.”

“Maybe you shouldn’t play that game.”

“I told all those people you were my girlfriend, stop obsessing. Come on guys and girls can't be in a place without flirting  . . .  it’s all in fun.”

“I don’t do that,” I said

“Oh,please  you were just doing it with Pax,”

“I was not,” I said

“You can’t be alone with one of my housemates without leaning against him or touching him. I bet you flirt all the time with all the guys at the Penthouse,”

 “I don’t flirt at work because I think it would make you upset and sometimes it costs me tips,”

“Oh, please either you are the horniest girl I have ever met in my life or you like to flirt,”

“What are you talking about ?” I asked

“When we first started talking, I would kiss you on the cheek or some shit and then you would try and give me a blowjob. Or we would just be sitting and  the next thing I know  your all in my lap and not to mention the clothes you walk around in.”

“I thought you liked that.”

“I mean I do—but damn, I’m not having this conversation. Can’t you just relax and enjoy the party, have fun.”

“No, I guess I can’t,” I said and headed for the bedroom.

I hated the things he said to me. About me.

I sat on the bed going over every girl I had ever seen Cortland with. I knew he was sweet and nice and that wasn’t something I saw a lot  and I’m sure other girls (better girls) liked him but seeing him kiss another girl that hurt me. I wonder if he was really doing that over what I had done to his car. I locked the door behind me and decided to get some sleep for class the next day

 

I was awoken at 5 AM by a loud knocking at the door.

“Open the fucking god damn door, !” Cortland yelled kicking the door.

“Julia, I’m not kidding, I’m not mad at you but, this isn’t helping.” he called, ”Julia ? Are you even in there ? Let me know you are atleast okay ”

I reached for the iPod speakers and threw them at the door.

When I heard a crack I almost regretted it but, I closed my eyes to go back to sleep.

 A while later I  heard the sound of metal hitting the floor,  I heard laughs and saw the door was open. I looked up to see the doorknob on the floor and Cortland, Synclair and Daven at the door with screw drivers.

Corltnad collapsed on the bed on top of me and kissed my lips

“Why did you do that ?” he asked.

I turned to go back to sleep.

“Can we talk ?” he asked

I stayed quiet because I couldn’t figure out why I was so angry to begin with.

“Bitch,” he said.

I pushed him out of the bed and being as drunk as he was he immediately fell.

***

In the afternoon I stepped over Cortland still asleep on the floor. In the living room I saw there were 4 other sleeping people. After changing into the smallest outfit I could find  I called a cab to take me to school.

When I went to work the after class, I barely acknowledged Mia, when I was called into Kennedy’s office.

“How’s it going ?” she asked,”How was class ?”

“Fine,” I lied. I was sure my teacher had given up faith in me.

“I looked up your program and I think you should enroll in another summer class, you still have time. We may have to cut back some of your hours.”

“Did I do something wrong ?” I asked

“No, of course not. It’s just for now and your time is better spent working towards your better goals. You can use my computer to enroll before you go to get your table,” she offered

It felt more like an order than a suggestion,I signed up for an English class that met 3 days a week, I needed to be away from the house.

 

My first table was in one of the private rooms so, I assumed it was some kind of corporate thing but, who was sitting at the table but Cortland and 4 other boys the only one I recognized was Patrick.

“I’m surprised you are up so early,” I acknowledged them. It was almost 4 PM.

“Now she’s got jokes,” Cortland said "I came here to apologize,"

“I’ll get Mia to take your table,” I said and walked off.

I didn’t know why I was so angry but as I walked away I decided to let it all go as soon as I got off of work.

 

 

 

After my shift I called Hunt to give me a ride back to the house (he usually went to the house around that time anyway) but first  we stopped at the deli down the street. When we walked in the house I saw Cortland and West intently  playing Halo 3. I went into the kitchen, put the food on a plate and walked out so I was sitting next to Cortland

“What are you—“

“Our deal, right ?” I said

“Once a week . . . and I was mostly kidding,”

I leaned over and kissed him, straddling  his lap kissing him deeper and deeper taking in every perfect structure of his face.  He stood up, throwing the controller to the ground and still kissing we made our way to the bedroom.

“I love you,” he whispered

I felt chills down my spine and I wanted nothing more to have the feeling of him taking me.

I was his.

I walked faster into the bedroom unbuttoning his pants, I felt my feet twist over something soft and he caught me as I almost fell.

Had he moved the bed ?

I looked down to see two air mattresses on the floor.

“You got me my own bed ?” I asked ,reluctantly taking a break from kissing him.

“No, that’s for Park.”

“What does that mean ?”

“He is one of the dudes coming down with Oakley.”

“What are you talking about ?”

“I told you, Paxton’s girlfriend is coming down and some of her friends too so, we have to make room for the weekend and you have to share a room.”

“What about you ?”

“I’m going to Connecticut for the weekend to visit my grandmother so, I won’t be here.”

I pushed my palm into his face, not a real slap but something that could have turned into one.

“Why don’t you never tell me anything ? Why are you treating me like other people?! ,” I yelled at him “Like I’m a stupid little girl ?”

“You did just use a double negative—“

I slipped out of his arms and  sat on the bed.

“Are you angry again ? Do you want me to tell Oakley  her friend can’t stay here ?”

“Leave me alone.” I told him, putting my face into the pillow.

 Not looking at him made it easier to hate him.

He sat in the bed next to me.

“Fine be mad,” he said, like he didn’t take me seriously, “ but don’t get me all excited and then ignore me.”

It didn’t matter.

 I stopped having sex for love or fun a long time ago.

17.4

------

Sawyer

 

I hadn’t planned on Elisa being in the office when Mrs.Morris stopped by but she had come by to take me to get my car serviced.

 Mrs. Morris  was  just as I remembered, which was unfortunate because her spirit was just as broken. She was carrying a little boy who was barely old enough to wawalk, she seemed stressed and out of sorts.

“Hi,” I said greeting her at the door, which I held open for her.

“Hello, I’m looking for a Sawyer Miller. Is that you ?” she asked

I was shocked, had I really been so messed up back then she didn’t remember my face ?

“Do you remember me ?” I asked

“Where you at the trial ?” she asked

Elisa and I exchanged looks. I knew Elisa was waiting for me to make a judgment call.

“I—kind of . The thing is the Hendrix Group isn’t just about offenders rights but, also victims rights and I wanted to know if there was anything we could do for you or your husband. I mean I can’t personally do it but we have lots of contacts,”

She looked to me and Elisa, I saw her eyes were faintly watering she looked like she might collapse at any moment.

“Are you okay ?” Elisa asked.  She walked over to Mrs. Morris and took the child from her bouncing him playfully while Mrs. Morris wiped her eyes.

“Money really won’t help our situation we have gotten plenty of donations for the hospital bills," she said

"What about Mr. Morris ?" I asked

She wiped her eyes and gave us a forced smile

" Thanks but,you can’t do anything for my husband. He is lying in the hospital with burns so bad he has been unconscious and I’m not sure when I will see him again, we are missing an income and all I get is pity all while wondering if I should be planning a welcome home party or funeral. And then last month I get a call saying you let the man who did this go free. And I know that putting him away won’t do any help but, at least I knew he is suffering as much as I—we are.”

“I’m sorry,” I said as she took her son from Elisa.

“Don’t be. There is nothing you could have done.”

As soon as I saw her round the corner, I headed out the door.

“Sawyer, stop” Elisa said following after me. “Stop torturing yourself, mi amor. I know you are going to that hospital. Please  don't.  Nothing you or I can do will help.”

“I ruined that woman’s life. That family. I have to look at my own mistake.”

“Sawyer no amount of sanctimonious speeches  or money of anything will truly help where they are hurting. It's selfish it will only make you feel better. “

“Elisa if that man dies—“

“He won’t”

“If he does—I’ll be guilty of manslaughter,”

“No you won’t.  Stop thinking like that. You have to stop obsessing and just do better with your life. You are not guilty anything.”

She was right, I was innocent until proven guilty.

But, I had already proven to myself I was guilty.