12.1

It was the hottest day in Florida.

Even the grass looked thirsty.

There were two sides to the tall metal post fence . On one side of the fence  there were small groups, families—mostly women and children holding signs and with gifts, balloons and cards in hand.

On the other side was a group of men coming towards the fence, all of their belongings in a bag. Most of the men were full of repentance but there were others with feelings  of revenge and misery.

I walked closer to the posts of the gate and scanned the group on the other side looking for a familiar face.

It had been a month, I thought I would have forgotten that face but, I hadn’t

I saw her.

She looked lost among the rest of the group, looking down not trying to make eye contact with anyone else.  .  .

Julie.

I walked through the gate and headed towards her, I got to  her before she saw  even sae me and I put my arm around her in a half-hearted  hug.

 How long had it been since I touched another person ?

“Hi,”

“Hi,” she said.

I saw her eyes had the same on-the verge-of-tears-puppy-dog look . Her hair was different, it was cut short to her chin in a short bob, she had a piece of it pulled back by a piece of pink ribbon.  She was wearing  a small khaki skirt and a yellow t-shirt with a logo in the corner I didn’t recognize. Her clothes fit different, she was thinner I could see it and I felt it when I had hugged her.

She was looking at the arm that I had just let touch her.

There were red splotches on my  skin outlined in an unnatural pink all down my arm but, most of the blisters had gone.  The burn wounds had started healing  after 2 weeks and knowing it was a waste of money and not necessary I stopped bandaging  and trying to hide them.

I figured they were my permanent penance.

 “Let’s go,” I tell her, “I never want to see this place again.”

As we turned to head towards the bus stop I noticed I wasn’t the only one with scars.

There was a large bruise across her cheek and other small bruises all over her neck

“Julie, what they hell is that ?” I said putting my hand across the bruise on her cheek

“It’s noth—It’s fine,” she said

I had images going through my head of someone hitting her so hard it would cause such a mark. Or torture.  I thought of Sid who almost went swimming during a hurricane because he was so high. What kind of thing would cause all those tiny bruises on her face.

“Juliana, what happened ? Who did this to you?” I was trying to put more concern in my voice but it regrettably came out as anger.

“No one,” she smiled,” It’s okay, nothing,”

There were other people from the jail heading towards the bus stop also so, I decided to let it go.

As the bus pulled up to the stop ,we got inside I wondered how much I had missed.

Where were we beginning now.

4 letters of recommendation, 2 tax checks and a pledge  to enter in to a “rehab” program and complete 100 hours of community service  later  my legal consultants were finally able to get me out of  the rest of my sentence. And on top of that they told me I could pay them their fee as soon as I could within a year.

During my time at Dade county I had made a point of calling Juliana every chance I got but it always went to her voicemail and she never called back. I would ask her to come by a week in advance but, she would never show. I was sure something had happened to her.

I had called her 8 times last week. The day our deadline from Caine had expired, she picked up but said she couldn’t talk.

Atleast I knew she was okay.

Caine.

 I wondered if he had ever stopped by.

He showed no sign of knowing I was in jail.

I took the seat by the window because it would be nice to see things moving outside my window for a change. If jail had taught me anything it was that I knew I never wanted to go back. Being there, I felt like my life was put on a forced pause and all I could think about was the mistakes I had made, what was most important to me and of course, Elisa.

I felt something moving on my arm, I looked to see Julie leaning against me, her soft hair falling on my arm.

Julie's  hair smelled like mint.

The bus drove through town after town for an hour before stopping in front of the Mockingbird. We got to the door and I could hear noise coming out of the room. She unlocked the door and I heard music coming out of the room. I looked to see a the music coming from a  Bose radio/CD player, sitting on the floor.

“So, how have you been ?” I asked her, as I took a seat on the armchair.

“Okay,” she said

“Sid gave you the day off work ?” I asked

It was a Friday afternoon, afterall.

“I don’t work there,”

“Oh,”

I couldn’t believe it.

I silently prayed she hadn’t been whoring herself out for money, again.

 I had  wanted to tell her about all the horror news stories last year about women who were being abducted and murdered or tortured by some psycho they never found, but, I didn’t want to scare her then.

“We can go back now ?” she asked.

Or atleast it sounded like a question

“Back where ?,”

“Back to there . . . to Caine ?”

She walked around me to the closet and started pulling at something in the back of the closet. I could see thin tan lines and a stretch of lace from the back of her skirt and I looked away.

“Look,” she said

I looked at the paper in my hand, it was a bank statement.

My bank statement

525,349.

Holy shit

“What is this ?” I asked,

“It’s 500,000 dollars.”

“How did you get this money ?,”  I asked, ”What have you been doing ?”

She was already putting clothes I had never seen her wear  and folding what looked like a blanket into that damn pink and blue “J”  bag

“What are you doing ?”

 “Aren’t we going now  ?,” she said.

 “I can’t.” I said

“Why ?”

“I’m on probation,” I saw a lost look on her face “Which means  a lot of things but mostly I can’t  leave the state,”

“Please,” she said.

She looked like she was on the verge of tears.

I thought it over and I saw one slip from her eyes and she laid down on the bed and put her head in the covers.

This wasn’t like her.

Then again, how long was I going to wait ?

“Okay,fine,” I told her.

She picked herself up, fixed her hair with hair with her hands, picked up her bag and stood by the door.

I looked around at the stuff left in the room

The radio, shampoo bottles and lots of bags.

It may as well all stay here in case anybody stopped by. It would look like I still lived here.

I looked down at the paper there was an extra 25,000 plus.

***

8,000 dollars less and 3 hours later we were heading out of Big Sands Motors  headed up the road in a used white  2003 Ford Mustang.

“How long ?” she asked

“About 13 hours,” I told her.

She was sitting in the passenger seat with her legs tucked under her, her body was covered with the blanket she had put in her bag earlier. The blanket was a patchwork of white and yellow designs,  I was pretty sure she had made it, it was just big enough to cover her body and she held it protectively.

Like it was something she cherished.

I rolled up the windows and  the car was silent silence. Julie reached for the radio put I moved her hand.

I had her where I wanted her.

“Where did you get the money ?” I asked, again.

She put her head down against the front of the car. Her bruise was facing me.

“What happened to your face ? And your neck ? ”

She was quiet

“When did you quit the diner ?”

I had a lot of pent up frustration from my short stay in jail and I tried not to let it out on her. I decided to try reasoning with her.

“Julie, this is important I have to know. Don’t you think I should know?”I said in a tone so calm I was sure she could sense the falseness behind it.

She was leaning against the window alternating putting her fingers in her mouth.

I couldn’t tell if she was being difficult or if there was something wrong with her. Something mental. Or induced.

“Julie, can you hear me ?,”

She kept looking out the window. From her reflection I could see her eyes appeared glazed.

I hated most of the crap that came out of  Caine’s mouth but during the timeI had spent with him before the wedding  he had taught me something I had found to be true.

Intimidation can get you anywhere.

It had worked on all of the suppliers I had met when I was cooking meth. Give me what I need or I am telling your bosses. Let me work with you or I’ll call the cops and the press and your wife. Do you really think I don’t have a gun ?

I pulled over to the side of the road, she looked away from the window and back at the floor. I took the blanket she had wrapped around her and held it out the window.

“Either you tell what the hell I want to know or I am leaving this and you by the side of the road. I have the money you know.  I don’t need you and this new bitchy attitude you have, anymore.” I said in an heated tone.

I wasn’t sure if she believed me or not.

I pushed the blanket on to my side of the floor and started the car.

“You tell me what happened and you will get this back,” I told her as I merged back into the road.

“Caine  came back.  He found me. 3 days after you left. He laughed. Said he wanted the money as soon as possible.” she said.

“He gave you the bruise on your face, didn’t he ?”

 “And, he hit you ?” I said for her.

“No.”

She had given me something but, not what I wanted to know.

“Juliana, tell me what the hell happened to your face?”

“The Penthouse.”

Of course.

 I knew Sid kept bad company, he let more sex offenders, drug dealers and  probably traffickers in his bar than most people thought existed.

Last year he missed a lot of days of work because he  had been called into appear as a witness  for someone.

***

 

I had been shaken by Caine arriving at the Inn that day. He was so intimidating standing in the room wanting to know things and I had nothing to show him.

At least not yet anyway.

He walked out once he had given me the new deadline.

As soon as possible.

 No questions, he didn’t care how much our situation had fallen apart. He seemed to take joy in it.

I went to the Penthouse and I was more determined than ever to make money but there wasn’t much I could do. There was the same circus of dignified men in their suits  giving their same amount of money.

 

Things changed at the end of the night though, there was a group of boys who looked younger than the usual clients, they were certainly more attractive, they looked like people I could be friends with but, they were cheap and rude. I usually tune everything that is said to me, at me and between clients but I caught snips of laughter from them . I got 8 dollars from them, and I felt defeated.

I was surprised when I walked outside to see one of them standing by the corner  of the back entrance and calling my name. I called a number over to him and he just smiled and motioned for me to follow him.

We made our way over to his car--it looked like a military vehicle  than a car-- he showed me one of the several 100 dollar bills in his wallet.  So, he was holding out.

He handed me one of the bills.

“I like your, necklace.” He told me, pointing to the fairy hanging of a chain dangling around my neck.

“These are Swarovski crystals that are  in it,” I told him, secretly trying to impress him

“Then it’s a cheap piece of shit,” He said,laughing.

He rolled up his sleeve

“This watch is Cartier, 3,000 and the cuff links are Dolce and Gabana 295, each.”

I was done making conversation, anyway.

When he opened the car door for me I saw 4 of his friends  from earlier that night still in the car.

“I –“

“I already paid, didn’t I? You don’t mind company ?” he said, taking of his belt which  matched the cuff links.

I kneeled down in front of him and was about to loose my nerve and walk away but I ended up asking.

“Are you going to use  . . .  something ?”  I hadn’t gotten around to using words like sex or condom.

“No,” he answered.

I just tried to ignore it and did what I usually did but I soon felt choking. I was tried to pull awaybut, I felt someone’s hand on the back of my head forcing me on to him as he made grotesque moaning noises, I became of hands all over my, touching and grabbing at my breasts and all over my body.

I felt like I was going to pass out or throw up so I decided to  bite down. Hard. But, it was too late.

He came in my mouth.

My throat hurt and I felt  hands still on me, I pushed my way away from him, trying to get to the door. I told them to stop but all  heard where words like, “whore” and “slut” being thrown at me. I finally made it to the door and pulled at the handle but, it was locked. I kept pulling at it  waiting for someone to unlock it and when they finally did I tumbled out of the car and fell hard on my face. The impact shocked me so hard I didn’t let out a scream until a minute after I hit the ground.

I touched my face and looked for blood on my hand there wasn’t any. I heard the car screeching away in the distance. I didn’t want to be found so, I walked over to the Metro with my head down, hoping no one would see my face until I made it to a free clinic I heard everyone talking about.

I went into the bathroom and rinsed my mouth out with the hottest water the spigot allowed.

I signed in to the clinic  at 2 AM and was finally seen and out by 6:45 AM and made my way over to the Diner. The only signs from last night was the big bruise on my face and a few scrapes.

I went through the back and told Sid I was quitting. The Penthouse. The Sunset.

I had better deals on the table

* * *

“I told you Julie. Didn’t I ?  I can’t believe I let that happen to you,” I scolded her.

Once again the words left my mouth before I had time to fully examine them.

I don’t know why but, I felt very protective of her and maybe it was because I was. The dribble said during the “ceremony” was stuck in my head,  I was supposed to lead and guide her.  It’s not that I wanted responsibility for her life but, if I did I wanted to have control of her life to a point were I could make her happy.

My goal had always been for her to be happy . For me to be her “save” her from the United Light and the unexpected things she would experience in the real world. In other words to help her feel better.

And this happened.

But I had warned her. I had told her.

Wasn’t that enough ?

I was angry with her too.  My heart ached knowing she was lying on the ground in pain, feeling like shit and there was no one there to help her.

“Why didn’t you listen to me, Juliana ?”

 I knew me saying that would have no effect but, I felt like if I didn’t drive a point that I was right and she was wrong , it might stop her from doing something stupid again.

If there was an again.

“So, how did you get the money ?”

“From Brad.”

Bradley Johansson.

I knew him, but he didn’t know me.

That night--that sinful night-- Brad had come up to Julie and brought 40 dollars worth of meth from me and didn't even recognize my face.

I had met him once at a party with Sid a while back. It was hard to forget him because he was the oldest guy there and had to get back home in time for his son’s high school graduation.  I knew he had a lot of money from his wife and some kind of real estate Broker Company he ran. But he spent his time at some of the more lucid clubs of Miami.

“He gave it to you ?”

“Kind of,”

“What do you mean?”

* * *

It was only a week after Sawyer had been in jail and already Caine had came back, I was hurt and had quit the Diner.

 Helen, the legal assistant  told me he most likely wouldn’t be able to call in the first week.

 Before I quit the Diner, I had settled into my own set of lifestyle. I got up at 6:30 to work in the diner, and then 3 days a week I got off early and went to the Penthouse.

Brad came in to the diner for his coffee every morning and whispered deals and offers to me, which I often ignored.

When I got off  I would come back to the Inn at the end of the day I  and turned the TV as loud as I could stand and washed the day of off me before going  to bed. Usually at 1 AM if I went to the Penthouse or at 9 PM if I had been at the diner.

The day after I quit, I was sleeping in when I heard my phone go off and I looked to see an unfamiliar number on my phone, I assumed it was Sawyer but it wasn’t.

It was Brad.

He said he heard that I quit and wanted to know if it meant what he thought it meant.

It did. I was taking him up on his deal.

Brad  was 42 and wasn’t the most attractive man in the world, he was very average looking but, had s nice quality about him.

He told me I had perfect timing and that his wife was working on a development in Canada and would be away.

 

2 weeks after our first meeting I was lying in his bed when the doorbell rang. He went downstairs for a few minutes and came back up later with a check  that he placed on a desk but it  slipped to the floor.

“It fell,” I said

He brushed it off and turned his attention back to me.

On my way out I saw the numbers on the check : $23,000.

How could he just let that much money lie on the ground?

The next day we went to the bank and I stood with him  and watched as he gave the check to  a teller and walked out before she could hand him the recipet.

“How do you know the  money is there ?” I asked

He laughed

“ I love when you ask questions, Pumpkin” he smiled, “I don’t know and I don’t care. All I know is when I need money it’s there  and  that is all you need to know too. “

From then on, I watched his behavior with money, he never looked at receipts or anything he just threw the money out and it was always coming in.

When I was in the house alone, one afternoon  I went to his desk and pulled out a file I had seen him looking  at with the words ‘passwords’ on the front.

I opened his computer and logged on to his account to see an open bank page.

It took me a while to understand what I was looking and clicking at but I learned he had lots of different accounts.

Business, R5010, Personal, 666, Night, BJ01, BJ02, MJ, P,

I copied down the passwords on a piece of paper and put them in my  bag.  I had been so engulfed in what I had been doing I was surprised when  he came back into the room.

“What are you doing, Baby ?” he asked in a sing-song voice.

“I just wanted to look,” I said  and shut the computer

“How about, I give you a guest account ?” he said, “You are too fragile to look at what I have. I’ll give you something more appropriate. Your account will be called Guest in case Margaret sees it. And if I’m not here you can use this computer as much as you want, okay, Pumpkin ?”

He was digging his own grave.

When I went back to the Inn I looked for Sawyer’s  bank information that Helen had given me.

The next day I came to Brad’s house early when he was out and after messing around  I had transferred 5,000 dollars from his business account to Sawyer’s account.

It worked

I tried taking 800 out of another account.

I heard the house phone ring and I saw Brad’s cell number so I picked up

“Hi” I said

“Hey, Pumpkin look I’m on my way home, I hope you like what I left for you on your computer screen name.”

I quickly switched over to the “Guest” account he had given me,  and entered the password.

I watched the videos and read the webpage’s that were left on the screen.

It was going to be a long weekend

 

Over the next week I slowly took bits of money from his different accounts but, it was getting harder to do because I wasn’t left alone much.

I wondered how much I could get away with.

One weekend we went  to the department  store and he  bought some make-up for me. Brad got a kick out of going shopping.

He told the lady at the counter to see if she could cover the bruise with it.

A few minutes later it was gone.

On the way back to his car he asked me to stay full time.

Margaret and he had decided on a separation last week.

When I said yes, we both smile but, I was smiling because I would left alone in the house more often and I could take more of his money.

And I found creative ways.

I found a stash of cash hidden between Hustler and Leg Show

I found  blank checks in his “secret drawer”

I asked him to buy me something expensive outfit and then I would return it for cash.

One day, I was alone in the house and I was  trying to cover up my bruise when I  heard a knock on the door and decided  to see who it was.

 It was someone who looked familiar someone I had met among the sea of faces.

“Julia, right ?” He says to me.

“Yes”

“This is for Brad,” he gave me an envelope, “Can I trust you ?”

“Yes,”

No.

“Thanks.” he said and walked off.

I opened it, it was what I expected, another check.

I found a Brad’s blank checks and finally found a place where the light was  perfect and traced the check over, this time changing the person who it went to, from Brad to Sawyer Miller.

It was almost fun coming up with ways to take money from Brad.

I knew most of the money was from drugs and as much cash I had found lying around I had also found bags of powders and plants.

I heard a car pulling up.

I looked at the clock on the wall

He was 3 hours early.

I ran upstairs and stuffed both checks in my bag and quickly changed clothes.

I heard him moving in the room down the hall I never went into and I smelled his familiar smokey scent.

Hemp, he called it.

“I’m in here “ I called and I went down the hall

When I saw who was at the hallway my hand went to the partially covered bruise on my face.

This guy was the reason I had it.

He wasn’t the guy I had been with but, had been sitting in the driver’s side.

Did he recognize me ?

“Um, Hi ?”

“I’m waiting for Brad,” I said

“My dad ?”

I looked away, I didn’t know what I was supposed to do.

“I think we’ve met before.” I said

“Did you go to St.Lucas’s ?”

“No,”

I wasn’t even sure what St.Lucas’s was. Was it a church ? A school ? An Island ?

He stared at me, my face, my hand. Then I pushed back the bra strap I knew was peeking out.

“You’re that girl  . . . hey I’m sorry about that. You know most of those guys were underage, drinking, getting high for the first time. . . . I bet you get that a lot . .  . wait, are you here to tell my Dad on me or something ?”

“No.”

He started to walk downstairs and went into the fridge and pulled out Perrier water.

“What are you doing with my dad ?” he asked

“I can’t say,”

“Well,he may not be home for a while but, I’m kind of came here to take a nap. You can hang out here, but, I’m going to bed.”

“Okay,”

2 hours later Brad slowly came through the door.

“Did Patrick meet you ?” he asked, hiding a smile.

“Yes,”

“This is some shit. I had no idea he was coming home he is supposed to be in school. I’ll go see what the problem is . You just stay here.”

I heard some shouting between the two.

“You keep making these dumb mistakes like you are still a kid.”

“You need to stand on your own two feet. You can’t always run to your mother and I.”

“I had to hear about the divorce from an e-mail.”

“It’s not a divorce just a separation.”

“You will not stay in this house if you are high”

 An hour later Patrick was storming out.

“We did a job on him,” Brad said, discarding his suit jacket and tie. ,”Spoiled I know. He’s failed out of the easiest college in the area and he think he is  moving back home but, we’ll figure things out.”

The next day when the house was empty, I went inside of Patrick’s room. The living room of my house on the commune could fit inside of it.

I wanted to do something bad.

To destroy something.

To take something. 

I settled for a Bose Sound System  I saw shoved under his four post king sized  bed. I looked around and found printed out pictures of him posing with different people at what looked like different parties. I saw a picture of him standing next to a weird contraption. I turned the print out over

Bertta : The Worlds Best Beer Bong ‘07 !

Brad settled for giving Patrick his own account and apartment as long as he didn’t come back home.

After that I stopped taking money from Brad and his accounts.

 And started taking it from Patrick’s.

 

When I was done looking in Patrick’s room I  went downstairs to see Brad was back.

 He just looked at me like he was seeing me for the first time. He looked upset

“You, young lady” he said in a stern  tone

He was on to me

He put his hand on my undamaged cheek.

“Are getting a hair cut,” he said smiling

***

 

 

“So, what Julie,  you were dating a married guy ?” I asked.

I couldn’t make sense of her story.

“No.”  she said.

“Okay were you,uh  . . . . having sex with him ?”

She played with her hair, braiding it and unbraiding it.

“Is that a yes ?”

“I don’t want to talk.”

“Is that a yes, then ?”

“No,”

“So, why were you hanging out with him, at his house I don’t get it.”

She started putting fingers back into her mouth

“Julia, I won’t get mad I just want to know,”

She let out a short scream and pointed out the window.

I quickly put my foot on the breaks and we were pushed forward hard, just barely missing the Camry in front of me. As I saw a finger coming out of the window and the end of a ‘jackass’ I realized  I was driving between two lanes.

“Are you okay ?” I asked her

She look petrified but unhurt.

“It’s fine, Julie” I assured her, “We’re okay.”

I looked outside it was getting dark and the clock was edging towards 9 Pm  We were just outside of Gainesville and I had planned to drive straight through t to Alabama.  

The more I thought about how far I had to get, the more my eyelids got heavy.

I switched on the radio and turned it up as loud as it could go. I took a risk and gunned the engine up to 90.

“You’re going fast,” Julie said.

I had to. I needed to get out of the state, if we got pulled over they would find my name and her picture from the bails bondsman and we were so close.

The chances were slim but, the odds hadn’t been with me lately.

 I didn’t see a point in explaining this to her. Anything I said seemed to be lost on her today.

“I have to,” I said.

After another 3 hours we were the only ones, on the road but my drifts off the road were getting worse. We were just past Tallahassee and Alabama was only 200 miles away.

My vision was getting fuzzy, the night became a black background. I couldn’t even see the lane.

Screw it.

I pulled over to the next exit.

There were a few gas stations and fast food chains. But the streets were empty.

We were in a different part of Florida, the part that was more Alabama than Florida.

 I pulled into the parking lot of a half gas station with a Waffle House across the street.

“I am hungry, you must be starving,” I said.

After sitting and  driving for 8 hours straight (I had forced Juliana  out of the car to get  gas) I felt like I just got back from doing a cross country run.

High school did not prepare me for this.

After adjusting to walking and solid ground,  we walked inside the restaurant and they gave us a table. There were a few other people  in the restaurant but no one seemed concerned about us.

“What can I get you two to drink, miss ?” the waitress asked Juliana.

She just stared at the menu,

“She’s talking to you, Julia” I said to her casually.

“Juliana ?” I said.

The waitress was getting a concerned look on her face

“Long drive, “ I explained, “ she’s just tired,  2 Cokes would be great,”

When the waitress was gone, I saw Juliana had he fingers back in her mouth.

“What the hell is wrong with you ?” I asked, pulling her hands away harder than I meant to.

She ignored me.

She got up from the table and walked to the bathroom.

I’m sure there was more to her story than she was letting on.

Had she really  had sex with Brad  ? I couldn’t imagine it.

Had he done something to her  ?

Did he know about the money and that’s whys she was acting this way ?

I understood equations and numbers and formulas

Not people.

Except Elisa

Understanding her and being with her was like being with my missing half.  We fit together.

But,  back to Julie.

Could she be on something ? She had to be.

 As I watched her walk away (she was walking very slow) I realized she had no where to hide anything if she was.

Her bag.

She had left in her seat.

I casually went over and opened it.

I saw her clothes balled up, lots of CD’s,  a bottle of concealer.

I saw her coming back so,I casually put the bag back

No drugs. Atleast that I had seen.

She came back and sat down.

“Feel better?”I asked

She nodded

 “Good,” I said.

The waitress brought us out our drinks and took our orders

“Hey , can I get some coffee ?”I asked

“Long night ahead ?”

“Most likely,”

“I guess you won’t have much company ?”

I gave her a laugh and turned around to see Julie’s head on the table.

“Julia, wakeup” I said, pulling her arm up.

I bent down so, out heads were on the same level and I whispered to her “Hey this was your idea, you wanted to leave tonight so you have to stay with me here.”

“The police,” she said, in an  whisper quieter than mine.

I turned around to see a cop walking in with a woman in plain clothes. He must be off duty but I didn’t know the rules about being able to arrest people off duty .

That lit a fire under my ass

“You have to stop acting like this, you'll get his attention, just sit up and here drink this,” I said pushing the soda up to her.

She adjusted herself and started drinking, hopefully the caffeine would keep us both up. I knew we looked like two ordinary kids but, I didn’t want to risk it.

We made it through the meal and I paid ,taking a 2 cups of coffee to go

“I don’t like coffee,” she said when the waitress took away our check

“They’re both for me” I said, with an unintentional little laugh, it was going to be a long night.

“  ’scusme, ya’ll,” I heard from behind us, I could tell it was the cop before I turned around.

“Yes, sir ?” I said innocently

“Ya’ll passin’ through or fixin’ to stay a while,”

“We’re on our way out,” I explained,”Now.”

“Well, ma’am I’d appreciate it that you should dressn’ up more respectable in this town, what you have on isn’t exactly appropriate for a family place, like this.  I had to come over a say something, some patrons asked,”

Right.

 We were in one of the buckles of the Bible Belt. Elisa considered going to school here to fuffill her mother’s wishes but she called the schools “So Christian even Jesus would be too Jewish to get in.”

I heard Juliana let out a tiny sorry and we headed out.

I wondered if he thought Julie was a hooker and I was a pimp or something.

They probably called them harlots still.

I was sure the cop was watching us walk back to the car.

When we got to the car I let out a sigh of relief.

“We have to get out of this state,” I breathed

I started the engine and we were back on 75.

I was still feeling tired but I had 40 oz of caffeine as back up.

“Come on 3 more hours, are you going to explain to me about you and Brad ? Or something. Come on. I won’t judge I just need to be kept awake.” I explained

She was back to looking out the empty window, her fingers back in her mouth.

“Julia, stop that. It’s bad for you,” I told her, “You’ll get calluses, your teeth will deteriorate it’s not good.”

She just ignored me, her blanket back around her. She was probably going to nod off any moment.

“Okay, fine Julie,  I will talk then,” I decided  "About jail. You know what the hardest part was ? It was the doing nothing knowing I couldn’t help you or Elisa. That I was stuck and everyday thinking about what I did. They made me go to counseling , like I was an addict. They wanted to know the reason why I did it, like the fact that I wanted money wasn’t good enough, you know? It was kind of nice, I don’t know.”

I looked over at her , she was dozing off . I was angry at her, for falling asleep, I wanted to violent shake her and make her wake up

More pent up frustrations. But, I knew Julie was smarter and stronger than she wanted to let on. If I could deal with the exhaustion, so could she.

I  reached over and took one of the CD’s out of her bag and cranking the volume up as loud as I could.

---12.2---

The sounds of drums woke her up and she looked at me for answers, So I gave her one

“If you are falling, then I would catch you.” I sang to her loudly, playing with the strands of her hair for a second, keeping one hand on the steering wheel.

She stared at me.

“You need a light, I’d find a match.,” I continued , clapping “ Cause I-I-I-I-I love the way I you  say good morning, And you-u-u-u-u take me the way I am !,”

I started  poking her playfully,

“Come on, baby” I teased her

“If you are chilly,--

“Here take my sweater ! ,” she interrupted giving me her sweater and clapping her hands “Your head is aching !  I’ll make it better,”

“Cause I –I-I--I-I love the way you call me baby, “ we sang in unison  even louder than before “and you take me the way I am,”

She started swaying from side to side.

Those two minutes went by faster than I wanted. I pressed the restart button and we started right back again.

Despite the  trance she had been in she seemed into it.

By the time the last song on the CD played out we were on the border  and crossed into Alabama. And at the right time as, my bladder was killing me.

I pulled in at the Holiday Inn and paid for the night.

When I got out of the bathroom I saw Juliana was lying on the bed.

I got in the other bed next to hers.

I realized when I hit the bed I suddenly couldn’t get to sleep.

How about that ?

“Now that I can sleep  . . .  I can’t” I laughed

I closed my eyes and tried to concentrate when I felt something near me I turned around to see Juliana sleeping beside me

“Julie,what are you doing? You have your own bed,”

“ . . . lonely .  . . “ was all I caught from what she said.

“Look you know before I went to  . . .  jail  . . . I mean I was a little drunk and you were a little high . . .  no matter how unintentional, I think you need to know I don’t feel that way about you. Romantic,you know”

It felt bad finally saying that to her.

“Okay,” she said.

I saw she had traded in that green knit pajamas for what looked like a tiny white tube top. She rolled half an inch away from me and I could see she had nothing underneath.

I had no idea, what had gotten in to her but; we were only 4 hours away from getting rid of this burden.

Closer to Elisa

Closer to  my life.

God help us.

* * *

I woke up at 10 AM an hour before my wake up call.  Juliana was sleeping hard I could hear  her breathing hard.

I snapped my fingers in her face and she didn’t stir.

I took her hand out of her mouth and I took another opportunity to look through her bag.

 I looked back through her bag; I saw a little box with a lock on it.

I knew it.

I opened it and inside wasn’t pills or drugs but, jewelry. A necklace and 2 bracelets.

Today was going to be the day my world came back into place.

Who said we couldn’t check out early.

I jumped on top of Juliana and started shaking,

“Come one, Julie wake up!” I said to her, “Julia wake up ! We are leaving early get dressed,”

I was hoping she would catch on to my excitement but, after registering where we were and last night  she got up and went into the shower.

“Meet me downstairs, “ I called to her, while I went to check out.

She came down 30 minutes later in another outfit that would get us thrown in Bible jail but, I didn’t care.

We drove down the stretch of highway, I went a little over limit most of the time. As soon as we were halfway through Mississippi I saw she had her finger in her mouth again.

“Julia, what is the deal ?” I had to ask

She ignored me.

I wouldn’t have to put up with her nonsense for long.

“Why do you keep doing that ? It’s  not healthy,  you should stop.”

 

***

“You have beautiful lips,Pumpkin” Brad said as he put a kiss on them, ”Perfect the way they are, nothing fancy needed,”

He knew I had some kind of pink lipstick (well, stain I had been told) on them.

“Try this,Baby” he said and held a chocolate covered strawberry up to my mouth,

I opened my lips and took a bite, the juices flowed out and down my chin I started to wipe them

“ Don’t.” he said, taking my hands in his

I saw a stain on the bed  sheets.

“15 dollars, each ? For a piece of fruit, Can you believe it ? A client gave them to me . . .  a thank you. Damn good though, right ?”

I nodded.

They were sweet.

“This one is white chocolate, open .” he said

I opened my lips but he put the fruit down took the hand his was holding and put my thumb in my mouth.

“You are so, so pretty, you get that a lot don’t you ?”

I shook my head

“When you open your mouth just that tiniest bit well, it’s the sexiest thing I have ever seen in my life and I have seen a lot.” He laughed.

He pressed he hands against my lips and then took my hand.

“I bet your finger feels  just as good as my cock,  doesn’t it ?” he asked,”It’s because it’s a natural human reflex, it teaches us to comfort ourselves but, we tell ourselves it’s unhealthy. You know? “

I shook my head no

“Well, I read that somewhere. Then again you would look beautiful with anything  between those pretty lips.”

And a few days later, when things had become more permanent I sat with him, with tears rolling down my face.

He patted my hand and then put one of my fingers in his mouth and into my own.

“It’s okay, it will make you feel better, remember what I said, Pumpkin ?” He said in a caring voice , and kissed my neck, sucking hard.  "It’s  okay,”

He was right, or maybe because I was supposed to believe he was right he was right.

I don’t know why but –

“Hickory Farms !” Sawyer shouted

I saw the sign pass  before I registered it.

Hickory Farms

“Hickory Farms !” I shouted, I saw Julia jump a little bit.

We were so close. I felt like my heart was going to jump out of it’s place. I felt an intense excitement

I needed to find the place where we had come out . . .  before.

I could drive through a back road I wasn’t sure how well a Mustang would do for this.

I circled until I found an abandoned road and headed up it hoping nothing would come down. After 30 minutes I pulled the car over.

“How do we get on the commune ?” I asked her getting out of the car.

She was lost in thought again.

‘”Julie, how do we get on the commune, “ I repeated louder to her.

“I don’t know,” she responded.

I saw a calluses forming on 3 of her fingers.

“Yes, you do,Julia” I told her, “You told me you used to sneak off, how did you get back  without going through the main gate?”

“There is a break in a fence that leads to the baseball field, which belongs to the commune,”

We walked until we could barely make out the main entrance,

She was there somewhere.

I followed Juliana around the back edge, of the wooden fence.

Then I saw it, a break in the fence, our way in.

***

“And she bakes too,  it’s amazing,” Rosa said, as she cut out another picture in the magazine.

“I had no idea  I could ,honestly,” I admitted, “I was just  bored

“Well, this is my new craving,” Cecelia said, putting the cupcake down  while she strummed a few strings on her  new acoustic guitar.

Since she had become pregnant she had taken  up more string instruments because she could play them “close to the baby,”

 I had been taking a few lessons from her but, I didn’t have the passion or strive Cecelia had, to me it was just sounds to her it was music.

“Hey,” Sam said coming up and taking a seat next to her.

“I thought you were playing baseball?” she said, cupping his face in her hands. She was like a mother already

“I’m an artist, I suck. Logan and Greg are kicking my butt up and down the court,”

“You mean field ?” I suggested

“That too," he laughed

“I can tell them to let up on you,” Rosa said

“No, I should be with Lia, anyway,”

“I’m fine, I really am,” she said

“I need to order out my dress tonight,” Rosa said,”I need a suggestions now,”

“Why don’t you make it again?” I asked

“Because I don’t want to and my mom’s wedding dresses are kind of old fashioned—“

“hey-- ,” said Cecelia

“You know what I mean, “ Rosa said.

“We need a catcher, still” Greg added coming to sit next to Cecelia and pecked her on the lips.

Rosa turned immediately back to her magazine, reading a soap advertisement intently.

She wasn’t as used to GCS as I was. That  is what I called Greg , Cecelia and Sam in my head. Living with them I had discovered there seem to already by a social stigma set in place.

Sam and Cecelia had been sleeping  (and sleeping judging by her current state) together for the first week and then they switched off spending time with her.

 I forced Greg into the room I had been using and I took the couch.

It was all temporary anyway.

Cecelia showed each of  the men an equal amount of affection and Cecelia-ness and they both cared for her. It would be sweet if it wasn’t so . . .  creepy.

Greg and Sam were opposites in some ways. Sam was a passive artist he had the same quiet demeanor as Cecelia and he would sit for hours listening to her play music. Greg was more busy and always had to be doing something.

 I was actually surprised she was pregnant when she announced it last week , they had been so . . . quiet.

I decided to put together a picnic to celebrate but, Rosa was using the time to push her wedding into it.

“I’ll pitch. I can’t be around anymore girly-ness,” I said, volunteering to be a third, “I was on my middle school baseball team,””

 “You mean softball ?”Greg asked

“No,I mean baseball.”

“I can play too,” said Rosa, “I am not girly.”

“You have to come to Cece,”Rosa said

“No, I don’t want-“

“She can’t” said Sam.

“Come on we need it to be even. You can just pitch.” I added , peer pressuring her.

She finally put her guitar down and got up.

“Okay, oldies over 25  over there and the young and fabulous 25 and under over here,” I shouted taking the bat.

Cecelia pitched to me it was weird seeing her even  pretend to be aggressive, she threw the ball at me so lightly I should have hit it but, I didn’t

I saw something more important.

12.3

 

The fence I  saw opened up into a green area, there were a few people around but they didn’t seem to notice me. I didn’t know any of the faces at the wedding so if I saw someone from it I wouldn’t have known it.

No one’s seemed to recognize my  face but, I recognized one.

I only cared about one.

***

I felt my heart for the first time  in a long time. I felt every emotion in my body and it was propelling me forward.

***

It was like I was seeing everything about her for the first time, the way her black hair ripped behind her as she came hurtling towards me, her ear to ear smile, her deep brown eyes, her spirit.

 I knew a million ways to say her name to tell her I loved her  but as we got closer and closer I could only muster 3 words  that were unromantic but, significant at the same time

“Drop the bat, drop the bat,” I called to her my face  fixed in a permanent smile.

A few steps away from me she threw the bat to the side and rushed into my arms, her legs wrapping around my waist.

 To feel her to actually see her was a new kind of happy.

 A real kind of happy.

She put kisses all over  my face and I felt a tear against my cheek as she pressed into it.

Elisa never cried. Was I crying ? It didn’t matter

“I lov-“ I started to say

“shut up,  shut up,” she whispered, “I love you, I love you, I do”

I attempted again but she was engaging me in a deep kiss, our lips locked, only interrupted by her short proclamations of love.

***

Greg  walked over to me standing at first base with the ball in his hand

“Rosa,who is that ?”he asked

“The guy she doesn’t think she can love,”

“I think you’re mistaken,”

“Me too, ” I said dejected

***

I was being the girl I never wanted to be but, I couldn’t let go of him, I couldn’t let this not be real. I couldn’t deny how I felt. When we both finally collapsed into an embrace on the ground I could  hear not only his rapid heartbeat but, footsteps coming towards us.

Way to ruin the moment guys.

Rosa, Cecelia, Greg, Sam and Logan were approaching us.

“Uh, Sawyer right,I was at –uh,  Sawyer, right ?”Rosa said

“Yeah,” he said

I got off from on top of him and pulled him up with me but, I never let go of him.

“What happened to your face ? ,” I asked seeing an ugly scar on his cheek.

“Later,”he said.

“No,” I told him, “Now.”

He looked around at the still staring group.

Who were the freaks now ?

“Later,fine.” I said, “Um,anyway this is Rosa my new roomate.”

He shook her hand.

“Cecelia, Greg , Sam and Logan.”

He and Cecelia exchanged a smile.

“I think we should take off, you guys, “I said to GCS.

“Oh, wait, where is Julie ?” Sawyer said

“Who ?”

“Juliana .”

“There” said Rosa, she was pointing to the place where he had came in she was sitting on the floor watching us from a distance.

“Julia, Come on !” Sawyer called to her.

She didn’t move

“I’ll get her, “volunteered Greg,

I watched as he went out and took her arm

She was all kinds of tramped out.

She was wearing a pair jean shorts  that left little to the imagination and a pink t-shirt that showed a nice tan on her midriff, she was darker, her hair looked blonder, she was thinner.

I could here Greg asking her if she was okay, and she nodded.

“We were having a picnic, we have some bottled water,” Rosa said.

After we had water we parted from GCS.

We walked in silence but every touch from Sawyer every little kiss we exchanged was words enough.

“How far are we walking ?” Sawyer asked

“Not far,” I told him

We walked around the community center to the back where a new set of structures laid. A new complex of houses.

Rosa opened the door and we moved among the boxes and sat around the kitchen table.

“So do you want to hear about Cai-“ Sawyer started

“Later,” I said.

I trusted Rosa but there were some things I had to keep private.

“I think I should see my parents,” Juliana finally said.

“Not until everything is straightened out,” Sawyer said, “I think we should lay low.”

I wanted to sympathize with her but, knowing the people she called ‘parents’ I couldn’t. I made a point of avoiding the Reese’s as much as I could which was easy seeing as they truly did never leave their house unless they were having dinner with Caine.

12.4

She smelled like a mix of floral and sweet.

Elisa head was leaning against my chest I had her held close to me. She was so perfect, I couldn’t think of anything more important that her at the moment. I wish I could come up with better words to say to her.

“Like this I want you, love,” I said to her, “ Love, Like this I love you, as you dress, and how your hair lifts up
and how your mouth smiles, light as the water  of the spring upon the pure stones. Like this I love you beloved,”

She laughed a sweet laugh what I would expect from her.

“What are you saying ?” she asked.

“It’s poetry,” I informed her, letting my hand tangle in her hair,”Pablo Neruda”

“You should have learned it in Spanish then ,” she teased

“Es tan corto el amor y es tan largo el olvido,” I recited, “Love is brief: forgetting lasts so long,”

“Hate the quote. The Spanish was a 5.”

“My Spanish has always sucked.” I reminded her.

“When did you start reading Neruda ?,” she asked

“In jail,”

Hadn’t meant to spill it that way.

She turned over so she was facing me

“What ?”

I decided to let it all out the bag, I pushed up the sleeves on my shirt so she could see the burns

“Oh my god ! Shit,  what happened ?  Tell me everything,” she demanded

“Caine told us we had to get him 500,00 dollars to get you back and I was so, so, so desperate,” I started

I told her everything, the best I knew  :  How I quit the diner and sold drugs until the fire, How  I got caught, I told her about the arraignment, the fireman, going to jail. I told her about Julia and I’s scam and even our drug induced kiss, I told her that Julie had done something that changes her and maybe she should talk to her

“I am confused whether to hate you for breaking a million laws or kiss you for doing all that for me. You have to promise me you will never do anything like that again. The law and rules exist for a reason, Sawyer Miller.”

“I promise, it was a onetime thing out of desperation,”

“So, tomorrow we give Caine his money and we leave here and start our life,” she said

“What about here ? Rosa said you wanted to stay ?”

“So did I, but then I saw you and suddenly it all came back, I have to be me. I have to go back to my life, Rosa will be crushed but, I can’t stay here forever.”

“It’s weird I have nothing to go back to,”

“We will figure something out, you are a good man. “ she said,” Good men are not ruined in a day or month.”

I sat with her listening to her breathing.

“Tell me more,” she said

“I think that’s everything,” I told her

“No. Tell me more poetry.”

I let my mind go back to what I had spent so much time reading over and over again.

“  I do not love you except because I love you-“

She started kissing again me her legs around my jeans, her mouth locked with mine,  her hair falling in my face, she stopped to breath

“That was only the firs-“

She went back to kissing me and she started unbuttoning my shirt,it was halfway unbuttoned and  she paused mid-kiss and looked at the scars on my chest.

“Do those hurt ?” she asked, just looking at them.

“No, they’re just scars. Turn off ?”

“Take this damn shirt off, it’s 90 degrees,” she said

And like that clothes started falling off until I was feeling her bare breast against my chest, she ran her fingers down the scars. She didn’t care.

She pulled off my jeans and threw them against wall, barely registering the red marks where the fire had gotten to my legs.

She breathed and fell deep into me

And deeper.

We were caught in an embrace we rocked back and forth into each other for what seemed like forever.

After nearly 2 months in hell every pleasurable feeling, every real sensation was vivid.

After a while I heard her let out small breaths of pleasure , she never let go.

And neither did I.