It wasn’t what I expected at all. I imagined big palm trees at every corner, a sky tinged with orange and lots of beautiful people walking around in shorts and bathing suits. The house seemed so ordinary, it was small and quaint but looked ordinary. If I hadn’t seen it on the  road sign I never would have guessed this  was Florida and Miami was just a few miles south. I suppose it would take time to get used to the forgotten town of San Costa. I heard the breathing of someone behind me and turned to found myself looking directly into Sawyer’s chest. I turned around like nothing happened and  went awkwardly into the house standing to the side waiting for directions on where I should go, I never felt so lost in my life.

I spotted a leather couch a few feet away so I walked over and sat in it. It was like sitting in butter, so soft and smooth I pitied the cow that died to make this couch. I watched from my comfy spot as Sawyer went back and forth with luggage. Soon he was joined by two men who spoke broken English but, rapid strings of Spanish in foreign accents. They carried in heavy boxes with a choreographed expertise, watching them do hard labor reminded me off my father but, I pushed that though out of my mind. After an hour of watching them move they were finally done and Sawyer came and took a seat in the matching chair (or  I guess Lounger) across from me and stared at me.

From what I knew my parents had been normal, successful people. My father had been an Ad executive and my mother was a high school administrator. And then somehow those intelligent people got roped into the  United Light. It was a cult plan and simple but, my parent’s didn’t see that.  In their 30’s they ended up living in what most call a commune but United Light calls protective living.  They had given so much money to the United Light, quit their jobs and alienated family to a point where they depended on United Light for evreythinh. When the boredom of commune living set in at the age 45 my mom through some miracle had me. By the time I was 16 they were in their 60’s and  Caine told them I should be married off, that it would be best. Caine was the enchanting leader of United Light and his vague prophectic ideals and ideas about human life had captivated over 50 people into living in seclusion with him.

My parent’s were all I had in this world and they hung on to Caine's every word so at the age of 18 I to Sawyer. We danced at the wedding and he carried me of the altar but, other than that we had had no physical relationship. I didn’t want to marry  him but, it gave me two things  I had never had 1. A new friend my near my age and 2. A chance to get off the commune. The marriage was also the only way I could stay in good grace with my parents, the only people I knew loved me.

Sawyer was 23, he had been permitted to leave the commune when he was 19. He was supposed to go to college to bring more funds to the United Light but he just sent in a check monthly.  Sawyer never lived at the commune like I had, the reason has always been that his family is related to Caines.  Currently Sawyer worked as the co-owner of the Sunset Diner. His family said he believed in the United Light teachings and fully and admired Caine more than anyone else but, on the car ride down he told me he didn’t and he married me for the same reason I married him . . . fear.

Other than that we barely talked, we hadn’t even kissed.

“Are you hungry ?” he asked.

We were still sitting in our uptight positions on the furniture.

“A little.” I lied, I wasn’t hungry at all but if I had said no we would have descended into another silence.

“Do you want to go out and get something to eat ?” he asked

“Sure,” I said, I just wanted to evaporate and go back to the commune at that moment even if it meant listening to Caine’s \speeches for the rest of my life. This was insanely awkward and I had no ideas where I was.

“What do you want ?” he asked.

“I don’t know. What’s good ?” I said, asking my first question to my husband.

“Do you like Cuban food ?” he asked

“I don’t know I’ve never had it before.” I said. That was the longest string of words I’d said to my husband to date.

After more q&A’s we got in his car and drove to a restaurant called, Havana.

The interior was filled with noise and color, just as  I imagined Miami. I looked at the menu but, to me it was just a jumble of words with accent marks. My parents on strict orders of Caine pulled me out of the “system” when I was 8. I hadn’t been to formal school since and my reading had suffered a bit. There was a school set up in Mrs. Harrison's house for all the children but, reading wasn't a priority.I read whatever books I could get a hold off but, I was more of a math girl. Numbers made sense and adding symbols just made it more fun , it is like learning a new language.

When the waiter came, Sawyer ordered a Cuban Sandwich and a mojito. I asked for the same but when  I was denied a drink I decided to just have Coke. I forgot that there were more rules I was going to have to learn that existed outside the commune

“What was it like ? Growing up in the commune ?” he asked me.

It was the question I had always wanted to answer so  I could vent my frustrations but, I still barely knew him and I had to be cautious.

“It was like living in a gated community.There were barely any people my age around, I played with my mom a lot as a child and read books and I went to classes to learn the basics. It was boring really, but it wasn't bad," I lied.

 I  had snuck out plenty of times when  I was a teenager to see what lied outside the gates. I never went farther than the library but I liked to watch people. Once, when I tried to sneak back in and one of the Tranquility Lights almost shot me, I stayed inside.

Our sandwiches came they were a delicious combination of meat and toppings smooshed into piping hot bread.

“Just so you know, you can have your own room and  I don’t make much money at the diner yet . . . but, if you want to go to college or something I can help you,” He offered

I felt myself getting emotional but, of course the United Light believed showing emotion was weak and made you look like you were different from the others. So, through years of being told to hold back I instinctively  held back my tears and smiled. It has always been hard for me seeing as I have always been somewhat of a crybaby.

“Thank you,” I said.

I most likely wasn’t going to take his money, if I needed money I’d have to get my own job,  I couldn’t take Sawyer’s.

We chewed in silence and when we were done the waiter brought over a platter of desserts.

“Desert ?” he asked.

“Go ahead,pick one” Sawyer said

I pointed to a white fluffy cake. Who was I to deny desert ? I quickly retracted my hand when  I saw the band across my fingers.

“The tres leche cake” The waiter said

The waiter set it down and gave us two  forks. I took a bite it was light and creamy. Everything seemed to be delicious in Miami. I handed the other fork  to Sawyer. He took a bite digging in as far away from where I was eating as possible.

“This is better than our wedding cake,” he joked.

Wedding Cake. Wedding. We were married. I am a wife.

 I lost it. I started crying, I have no idea why it hit me so hard just then. I couldn’t go back to the commune. I was forced into a  marriage. If I ran away I had no where to go. And Caine would come by soon.  I was trapped. I was starting a new life and no one prepared me for it.

I covered my face with my hands. These were the kind of tears that when you thought about them and tried to stop them they just came down harder.  I heard the sound of coins hit the table. Sawyer put his arm around my shoulder and we headed out the restaurant. Once we were in the car he started rubbing my back telling me it was fine, attempting to comfort me.

It was a comforting feeling but, it was coming from a stranger.

***

I set down the bright green canvas bags on my right arm and watched helplessly as a line of liquid seeped through the last bag and rolled down the sidewalk. I almost thought to throw the bag in the nearby trashcan but, I was only one block from Sawyer's house and  I pushed it with my foot. I was concentrating so hard on moving the bag that when  reached the house I was surprised to see a black Lexus parked in the driveway. I imagined Sawyer might be back early but, he drives a Toyota sedan. I had only seen a car like that once in my life.

Caine.

I was scared. What did he want ? The thing that scared me most about Caine was his power over people. He ranked up there with Jim Jones and Warren Jeffs. I remembered the cell phone  Sawyer had given me and I quickly dialed him. It was the only number in the phone and I had no one else to call.

I heard three rings and he hadn't picked up. He probably had it off.

"Your ice cream is melting."

I turned around and Caine was standing behind me. Out here, outside of the gates of United Light he looked like a normal man. He was in his late 40's and still aging, but his face had a handsome look to it.

He picked up my leaking bag and started toward the house. I watched as he opened the door, I had completely forgot I had to lock doors out here. I followed him into the house feeling like an idiot and watched as he helped me put away the groceries. I had never been this close to him and I had no idea how to act.

"Julianna, is your husband around ?"

I tried not to cringe at that word.

"No, I'm sorry he's working I can take a message." I decided to play dumb like, he wouldn't want to talk to me.

"I looked around a bit I can't help but to notice, separate bedrooms."

"I'm just used to sleeping alone," I said. As if he wouldn't know Saywer and I had only known each other for 1 week.

"We at United Light believe it's important for our young to be out in this world to get our message across. However, our congregation is small and we are losing our funding. Not to worry you, dear but, we really must keep family values intact."

I knew where this was going. Where other fundamentalist believed in Polygyny and living as one, United Light believed in Polyandry. I didn't know what to say. I only knew of 3 families so far who lived this way and they of course got such special treatment that most others strived to be like them.

"If you can not bring new light into our community you will be happy to know we will marry you of to a more . . .prestgious member" he said,"One who can get the job done."

"Who ?" I racked my mind thinking of any men  near my age in the commune.

"Me," he said, "It is custom to give you atleast 3 months in this union first. I just thought you should prepare, I have to go downtown now but, be sure to tell Sawyer." He said and walked out.

I could not believe that had just happened. The commune was nearly 6 hours from here in Louisana and he traveled all this way to tell me that. This fact was something I avoided, because no one really talked about it. I still didn't identify with wife and he is pushing mother on me.

I wanted to run but, I couldn't leave my parents and I had no where to run to. If I went back to the commune alone I would be punished. I loved my parents but at that moment I hated them for putting me in this situation.

***

I just want to grab your body, make it feel scream  my name, oh girl you know you love it.  I listened to the music coming from Sawyer's room as I stood behind the doors. I couldn't believe the explicitness of the lyrics but, maybe that's what men want.

I hadn't told him about Caine's visit which had been a week ago because our relationship was still non-existent. He went to work and left me paper with notes or hints on it (Take 50 dollars and buy some groceries, feel free to use my computer, lock the doors, call me and i'll pick you up something for dinner). When he came back home I pretended to be asleep and he'd make dinner for himself and when he was done eating he'd go to his room and I'd make something to eat for myself and take it to my room while I wrote letters to my mother. He'd go to sleep and then I'd explore the house.

But, tonight there was a change in plans. He was changing  out of his work clothes and getting ready to make himself dinner but, I wasn't feigning sleep this time. I tried to detach myself from the moment.

"Sawyer?" I said barging into the room. I came face to face with myself in his large mirror.  I looked like an idiot holding a plate of tuna salad sandwhches wearing only my cotton blue robe that came to the middle of my thighs (a wedding gift).

I turned away from the mirror image and looked at him.

"I made us dinner tonight. I think we should eat in bed tonight and make this marriage official." I took a seat on the bed

He stared at me. He was shirtless,curly bronze hair was slightly disheveled and I couldn't quite place the stare on his face  and then he walked towards me.

I was coaching myself again. Don't Cry Julianna. Don't Cry. Don't cry.