15.1

I felt like I was back living on the commune and I wasn’t sure how to deal with it.

  I had gotten back to the apartment  just past  midnight  to an extremely upset Sawyer.  I was sure he wanted to yell at me but, instead  he talked endlessly about being concerned about my health and  my condition. He told me how he had given me so much and I couldn't do one thing .I knew there were things I could say to cut him to make him feel bad but, I remembered the last time we argued and I didn’t want that again.

I listened and apologized and told him I understood  but I was still  found myself sneaking out of the apartment the next day at 9 AM while he was still asleep. I got on the bus and then headed downtown on the Metro until I saw  what I was looking for, the downtown Macy’s.

I had been there with Brad but never on my own. That time we went it was just for the concealer, we walked in and out I hadn't seen much.

As I went inside but I felt lost and suddenly on my own. I know it was just a store but, I was feeling nervous. I looked at the money in my hand  $105. I was still adjusting to the decrease in pay but, I guess I didn’t need the money  the same way anymore.

I followed a directory and went down to the swimwear department.  After looking through all the different colors and patters I picked two options to try on. One was  a simple black one piece with a matching ruffle wrap that went over it and the other was  a simple pink two-piece.

I had a choice.

 I was used to exposing my body for men at work but could I do it in public ?

 After spending so much personal time with Brad, I often found it hard to eat much and even if I had, most of it was thrown up. Because of that I had lost about 20 pounds and I found that I looked sickly but, Kennedy told me it made me look better. I looked at my body in the mirror in the pink two-piece and I didn't see anything overly appealing.

I looked at the price tags and went with the  2 piece because it was only 26.00 on sale and  I still wanted to have some money. I headed to find a cash register when something caught my eye.

A dress.

It was a simple sleeveless dress  but the design -- cascading shades of purple  with delicate flowers pattern falling on the bottom—looked like a painting. The way the light reflected off of it captivated me.

It was beautiful and something about knowing I could have it and not have to do anything for it made me excited.

I took one of the hanger and tried it on, to my surprise it fit perfectly.

I had nowhere to wear it but, by the time I left the dressing room I knew I was buying it. When I got outside of the Macy's  I pondered what to do next. I did another impulse and called the newest number on the phone.

“Hello ?”

“Hi, it's me.”  I said, “Um, sorry it's Julia . . . you talked about going to the beach.”

“Oh, yeah wow its just well, it’s  early. What time did you want to go ?”

Now.

“Um, whenever.”

“ How about 12 ? We can have lunch or something after.”

“Okay.”

 I considered where to go for the next  hour. The only place I knew that I felt relatively comfortable was the Penthouse but, if Sawyer was awake (which he probably was by now) he would look there. I knew I had to go back to the apartment though,  I was working  tonight and in my haste  to leave quietly I had left my “uniform”

I sighed and walked towards the Penthouse, I was finally learning my way around. I went through the front door to see Sid and Kennedy sitting at the bar. They had just opened and it was still empty.

“If Sawyer comes by can you tell him I wasn’t here ?”I asked

“Is he still being a dick ?” Sid laughed into his drink

“He is upset.”

Kennedy passed me a glass of water and I went to the back and sat down in the back.

I passed the time flipping through magazines, that were left by the other women and messing around with Belle’s huge palette of makeup.

"What are you doing here ?"

I looked up to see a red-headed girl in her late 20's, who I knew was a waitress with me.

"I'm just waiting," I said.

"You know you can't just not do your job and then think you can make up for it by acting like a whore with one of the customers, I mean it's kind of slutty and looks bad We actually have a job to do and we pool our tips so, don't make us do all the work for you"

"I'm sorry," I said

"I mean, most of the other girls are saying some pretty bitchy things about you and stuff so, I'm being nice. So is everything clear ?"

"One question. Are the baked potato fries baked or fried ?,"

"Fried."

I'd have to remember that for next time.

A  hour later I heard my phone bleep.

I'm waiting outside

I slipped out the back--not wanting to run into any of the girls who didn't like me and saw Cortland's silver Audi outside, he was waving his hand to me.

“Hi,” I said getting in

“Hey,”  Cortland grinned.

“Whats in the bag ?” he asked pointing to my Macy's bag.

“It ‘s a swimsuit and um, this dress I saw,”  I told him, pulling a piece of it so he could see the design

“You going out tonight or something ?”

“No, I just really liked it.” I said

“A girl thing right ?”

"I don't know,"

We drove to a different part of the beach than the section the housing complex was located. This section had a boardwalk,  just like the pictures  I had seen in old books.  People reading books under umbrellas, sun-tanning and making sandcastles it was perfect.

The beach looked friendlier in the daytime.

When I changed into my new swimsuit I felt slightly exposed but here, no one was staring at me, no one was looking at me for—

Wait, why was Cortland here ?

He was young, attractive, most likely rich if he was hanging out with Patrick. Why was he with me, right now ? Did he think this was something else ? Of course. I hadn’t even thought about it but, I had to know what I was getting into or I wouldn’t be able to enjoy the water.

I hadn’t thought of how to approach this.

“What were you expecting ?” I asked

“What do you mean ?," he asked as he threw out a Miami Dolphins Beach Towel

“I mean I’m not an  . . . “  I’m not a what ? I gambled with what term to use. “I’m not like an escort anymore.”

“Oh, God-no, I mean I no . . .  I thought we were just hanging out. Is that cool ?”

“Yes, I was just . . . . checking.”

“I mean my friends got this share and all so we could go out and have fun, meet different people  and stuff but, you are like the coolest chick I’ve met here so far.  Most girls here are so fake and catty you know ? You seemed genuine and nice and I thought it’s be fun to get to know you better, is that okay ? “

“It’s fine.” I said.

It was more than fine.

Was this a  date ? My first date.

If this was it’s funny that I’d had got married  had , my first kiss all before I had my first date.

“Race  you to the water,” Cortland said and ran for the shore. I was caught off guard and  I stood still until he motioned me over, I ran over to him and we ran into the water.

I felt the familiar feel at my feet and then a wave splashed on to my whole body as we went further into the ocean.

The ocean, this was the place where water ended and turned into land, it was so perfect

  The water was as pleasant as I imagined, the water spayed my  face with each wave, it felt  cleansing. I stood by the water and felt every wave, I wasn’t paying attention to anyone not  Cortland or the people around me.

I felt water leaping up on my face, I turned around to see Cortland splashing me.

“You looked out of it,” he laughed.

“Sorry,” I said

“You can splash me,” he said

And I did.

 

I stayed in the water for an hour before going back up to the towels.

“You like it ?” he asked

“I love it.” I said

“I can’t believe you were in Miami for 2 months and never went to the beach,”

“I know.”

"Do you have lots of friends here ?"

"Not really."

"So,  I guess you had no one to take you around ?"

"Yes,"

“Well, hey did you want to go out with us again tonight, I mean to an actual club this time.”

I wasn’t really ready to look at Patrick again; I didn’t want any more connections to Brad

“I have work,” I said.

“So, after ? We can have dinner and then go out for a little bit. You can wear your new dress”

 

I wanted to say no but, I also didn’t want to go back to Sawyer either. I was sure he would be at a whole new level of frustration with me at this point.

I nodded my head.

“I don’t understand that. “ Cortland said.

“What ?”

“The nodding, come on you have to talk more . . .  I love the sound of your voice,”

That was new to me. Sawyer never listened when I talked, Elisa didn’t want to hear me.

“Yes, I’d be happy too.”

15.2

That night at the Penthouse I made appoint of smiling extra hard at every customer, giving an occasional shoulder touch and moving quickly.  I wanted to make nice with the other waitresses but, I wasn't sure how. I started by simply offering to help but, they never needed my help.

My extra effort with the customers paid off because when I got off at 9PM I had made 100$ in tips. It wasn’t much compared to Belle who had made 450$ in her 6 hours shift.

After changing into my new dress and keeping my work shoes on I walked outside and saw, Cortland’sAudi.

I walked up to it to see  3 other people in the back seat.

“Julia, these are some of my friends,” he explained.

“This is Winter, Grace and Leeham. I’m dropping them off.”

I waved to them.

I could feel them looking me up and down but,they scooted out of the car as I got in.

Cortland expertly pulled out of the space and  drove through the crowded Saturday-Night Miami streets

“You look really nice,” he said

“Thanks,” I said.

“So, is this a date ?” he asked

“I don’t know,” I said.

“Let’s just call it hanging out.” He said, ”Defintions are out of the window.”

 To my horror He pulled up to a sushi restaurant and tossed his key to the valet. The only thing I knew about sushi was raw fish. I wanted to tell him I would rather go somewhere with cooked food  but I decided against it.

“So, what was your deal with Pat’s dad, I have to know,” he asked when we sat down.

“I can’t really say.” I told him as I looked over the menu to see more of the things I hated.

Words. And on top of that Japanese was thrown in also.

“I can respect that, “he said

“It’s over with anyway.”

“I can't imagine a nice girl like you with someone like him. I can't imagine what you must have been going through."

"It's nothing,"

"You know most people would use being a stripper or escort to get attention"

"Why ?"

He just shrugged his shoulder

After hearing about all the things in Miami I had to see over the sushi (which left me a little hungry), we  walked back to his car and to the club he had dropped his friends of earlier.

 It was different to be a guest for once and not serving or servicing someone. 

The club was a  large and spacious room full of warm bodies, it was almost impossible to navigate. felt slightly overdressed but at the same time I looked the most sensible. I couldn't help but to notice most of the room was males.

"What do you think ?" he asked

"Lot's of males,"

“It's that football thing hey--you want to dance ?,”Cortland asked

I shook my head no.

I stood with him as he talked to his friends, I wanted to add to the conversation but it was all people and places I didn't know. 20 minutes in something about music made me start tapping my foot. I looked out into the dance floor at the moving bodies felt like a part of me wanted to go out and move to the music, but I ignored it.

I would probably look ridiculous.

Cortland took my hand and I felt the same kind of excited feeling I got when Sawyer had kissed me.  He led me over to the edge of where people were dancing and he started dancing. I started just moving my shoulders but somehow my whole body ended up moving. I kept my eyes on him looking at his body so, I couldn’t see other people looking at me.

During the second song he put one arm around my waist and I felt brave and put one hand on his shoulder and moved so I was next to his body.  It was freeing in an innocent way to just concentrate on the music and let it move through me, I felt like I was experiencing the music in a new way.

When he drove me back to the apartment complex, it was well past 1 AM. As he drove into San Costa, I thought of all the things I had experienced that day and couldn’t wait to tell—

Who ?

There was no one to tell, well, there was one person.

“I had a lot of fun, thanks for  . . . everything” I told him.

“No problem.”

When we arrived at my apartment complex I walked up to the complex but paused before going inside. I imagined Sawyer , angry ready to lock me inside. And why not ? He thought I needed protection and I wasn’t sure I had proven I didn’t.

I heard Cortland honk the horn behind me and I turned to see him looking at me. I walked back  over to the car.

“Are you okay ?," he asked

“I’m just—I live with someone who I’m afraid will be really mad at me.”

“like a pimp ?”

“A what ?”

“Nothing, if you want you can come home with me.”

“No, thanks. I’m just gonna go inside.”

“Want me to hang out here.”

“No,” I assured him and this time knowing he was watching I walked up to the door and inside the apartment. It was quiet but, I saw Sawyer on the couch with Elisa, they both looked half asleep.

“Juliana,” he said walking up to me and hugging me. I knew this routine.

Thankfulness

“Where the hell have you been ? I called you did you get my messages ? Is your phone broken ?,”

Questions.

“I was-“

“Juliana, you have to listen to me, you can’t go back to Sid’s club. I won’t let you. This is getting ridiculous you just have to trust me. It really pisses me off that you don't listen to me, it's like you don't believe me. I am the only person who really cares about your well being. Why the hell don't you get that ?”

Anger.

“I just serve people food.” I explained.

“Juliana look , when we went back to the commune I realized something; your parents trusted me to take care of you. They didn't even know me but they are giving me what is probably their biggest asset and if something happens to you I don’t know what will happen.”

“She’ll bounce back.” Elisa said from the couch.

Sawyer turned to her, he seemed surprised by her comment.

“What ?”

“Sawyer, come on she is 18. Let her make her mistakes. You were in ja—away for a month and she did fine. I’m sure Juliana will make the right decisions eventually but she has to learn it her own way. “ She turned to me, “Right ?”

I nodded.

"She didn't do fine, she almost got herself killed and cost us thousands of dollars. You were at the commune you saw how her parents were, I am covering my ass."

"I just think you are being a little overprotective and you need to stop"

“Elisa, I’m just worried—“

“I know you are, but are you really going to disagree with me ?”

Before he could respond she went into her bedroom.

“Okay, listen Julie , I'm not ever going to be okay with what you are doing and I won't be happy until you try to go to school. But, until you figure that out we have to make some rules. You have to pick up your phone and you have to at least go visit the college. Deal ?”

I wasn’t sensing a choice so, I nodded.

“Are you okay ?”

“Yeah.” I said, “I’ve made friends.”

He just turned and walked into his bedroom.

I wanted to let him in a little bit about Cortland but,I figured I could ease into it.

---

I woke up at 9 AM the next morning to get ready for another full day of work, I tried my best to stay out of Sawyer and Elisa’s way. I got into my work clothes, the last day I’d ever have to wear the stupid cheerleader uniform and I was about to make my way to the door when someone came behind me

“I’ll drive you,” said Elisa, walking for the door

“Thanks.”

I sensed a talk coming on.

But there wasn’t. She only said one thing to me on the way to the club

“I don’t know if I ever formally thanked you and I wanted to. I really do appreciate everything you did and Sawyer-- he is just stressed. He isn’t used to this whole probation thing. You don’t have to talk to me or anything I just wanted to tell you that.”

“I understand.” I told her.

She pulled around to the building and I got out.  As I stepped closer I took out my phone and texted Cortland. It felt less personal than calling.

@ wrk wat r u doin 2day ???

 

A piece of me wanted that to serve as an invitation.

And he understood that.

15. 3

An hour before my last shift ended he called and asked if he could meet me outside. I walked outside and I had half a mind to ditch the uniform in the trash can.

“Hi,” he said

“Hi,”

“So, I was thinking of maybe getting some ice cream and then heading to my place?”

“I haven’t really eaten dinner yet,” I admitted

“Oh, well I can go wherever you want, I ate a home.”

“You cook ?”

“No, my mom.”

I felt a string pull in my heart. It made me think of my mother and all the conditions I had to fufill before I could ever have dinner with her again.

“I don’t want to intrude on your family,” I said.

“No, when I said my place I meant my share. I’m living there this summer instead of with my parents.”

“Oh, okay then”

We sat in the unmoving car in silence.

“Where to ?” he asked

“Wherever is fine.” I said.  I had become so used to eating at the Diner at the club or whatever was in Brad’s fridge I hadn’t really fended for myself.

He drove towards a quieter area and stopped by a specialty ice cream shop that had flavors like lavender and green tea.  He purchased a pint of cantoloupe flavor with dark chococolate shavings while I got a salad from the restaurant across the street.

He drove back to the small apartment complex, with the windows open, I could smell the familiar scent of the ocean.

He pulled up to a nice looking large white house that had a driveway packed with 4 cars.I was introduced to a few people who were very into thier video games, cell phones and laptops. Cortland explained to me he shared the house with 4 of his male friends and they split the cost of everything.  The inside of the house was an assortment of furniture; card tables, fold out chairs, and blankets. Every counter top was filled with cans, red cups or some kind of junk food. He took me to the back porch where there was a nice matching set of patio furniture and an open pit of fire.

I felt my high heel step in something soft. I was afraid it was a very large bug, I looked down to see a marshmallow.

"We made S'mores last night," he laughed bending down to take the marshmallow of my shoe.

"After you dropped me off ?"

He nodded and laughed, "It's summer, right?"

I sat down on the couch and started to eat. Then,  I got comfortable. Too comfortable. I did something I had wanted to do all day.

I cried.

“Are you okay ?” Cortland asked moving to sit next to me.

“No, I’m having—I—“  I let out a big sigh.I wanted to explain to him something I hadn’t even gone through completely in my head, I thought of the best way

“I live with a, um couple and I feel like the third wheel,”

“You shouldn’t cry over that.”

“I think they’d be happier without me, like I’m a burden  I know they want me gone but , I don't have a place and I. . .  I just don’t fit in, I mean I sleep on the couch but, I should be happy but, I want a bed and room and . . . It’s hard I miss home.”

“Lousiana ?”

“See, I grew up on a--- kind of commune.” I stated. It was a good start into things,.

"Your like one of those Amish people who go out and go crazy when they come of age ?," he asked but, I could sense a joking tone.

"No,"I said shaking my head

 I didn’t give names, I told him how my parents expected me to marry this man I didn’t know and how I was to ‘mind’ my new husband, a detail I had let fall from my mind. I told him how Sawyer and I had to pay money in order to end the marriage and how Sawyer had a girlfriend and that I couldn't go back to the commune.

Basically knowing I was going to be living in a different place, a place that was still so foreign; I was scared.

More immediately I was unhappy in the new living situation and I wanted a way out. I wanted to feel at home but, I had been to ashamed to say anything to Sawyer or Elisa. I was afraid  I would look selfish.

“I wish I could take you home with me,” he said as I wiped the little bit of tears that were forming on my eyes.

I laughed a little and  as soon as I looked up to tell him it was okay I felt his lips on mine for a second and then they were gone.

“I really like you Juliana," he said before I could acknowledge what just happened, " Don’t ask me why. This weekend has been crazy and all I can think about is if I'm going to see you again the next day. I know you must think I'm doing this because you are vulnerable but, I wanted to know if we could go out, maybe on an official date.”

I wanted to pretend to be surprised but I wasn’t. Being with Cortland was the first time I felt an attraction to someone without a pretense. I always thought and was told liking someone—loving someone-- was something that grew out of an arranged marriage, but maybe it could happen spontaneously. There had to be some power at work that made people attracted to each other, if not how did people like Elisa and Sawyer get together ?

“Okay,” I said quietly.

I moved into his lap and I let my lips rest on his. He opened his mouth just the slightest and our lips locked, I put my arms around his neck as we pulled out of the lip lock.

“And you can be whoever you want around me,” he said.

“Good,” I said

“Does it make you feel any better ?”

“I still have to go back,” I thought out loud,”sorry.”

“I pay the most for rent so I have my own room, you can sleep in my room tonight  and I can sleep on the couch or floor.”

“No, that’s okay.”

“Are you sure ?”

“Yes,” I said, “Can we just go to the beach ?”

-----

Sawyer

Everything was different and it sucked. People looked at me differently, I knew it.

Like, When Juliana got hurt, I would have been more than happy to give the police all the information but, now I knew they would see I was on probation and I would have to explain to my probation officer where I was and why  I was there.  It was just  different, and I don’t know how long I will have to wear this offender brand. How do people go their whole lives like this ?

 I looked back down at the print out from Mapquest in the seat and made a left turn. I made my way down the 300’s block and came up to the address to see a joke being played on me.

An elementary school.

Today, I had made a point of putting on one of the new oxford shirts I had brought and a pair of khakis—my best clothes—and walked into the building. I saw an open door at the end of the hallway and headed for it.

“Are you here for  the Substance Program ?” A kindly woman asked, I nodded and took a seat.

The 14 chairs had been arranged into circle, I saw a few other people filling up the seats but, I tried not to make eye contact. I had brought paper and pencil I was ready to take a few notes , listen attentively and get out.

“Okay looks like we are all here,” the woman said, “My name is Cara Montes why don’t we jump right into the hard stuff, go around and talk about what we did to get here and maybe  people our actions hurt.”

The last thing I wanted to do. I could see the other people around me, deadbeats, criminals, people who had no chance. I figured I was one of the best ones, I just didn’t belong.

“My name is Cory,” said the young guy sitting next to me, “I’m 22. I was in South Palm for about 3 months.I got caught with marijuana while on parole and I was placed here, I know I put my family through a lot and I’ve alienated a lot of friends because I always need a couch to sleep on”

I paused for a second as the whole group stared at me.

“I’m Sawyer, I’m 23 I just got a job at a legal consulting firm, I got out after serving one month of an 8 month sentence.”

“And what you did ?”

“I—I , was charged with possession and intent to sell  methamphetamines.”

“And who you hurt?”

No one.

No ,that wasn’t true.

“Juliana. She's -- I'm all she has here and I went to jail and she had to pay for everything and deal with it and she got into some stuff  and I'm sure I sent her down the wrong path.  And then there is this firefighter see,—I was involved in the fire downtown last month-- and the fireman got hurt really bad, his family was at my arraignment and well they were all pretty affected,”

Between the wounding a public servant and destroying thousands of dollar in property I could see more suspicious looks than understanding ones being thrown at me.

I was one of the bad guys.