21.1

Right over left

clack

Left over right

clack

Right over Left

clack

I kept crossing and uncrossing my legs beneath the table,making a soft rhythmic thud with the bottom of the beige heels.

I was nervous .

I hadn’t seen my parents in what felt like a weeks or possibly even a month. I wasn’t to sure about how time had been passing but I knew it had to be at most 2 months.

or maybe it had been 2 days ?

or 2 weeks ?

 I uncrossed my legs again and  tapped my heels  nervously into the floor making a much  louder noise.

I was alone in the office,

Well not really alone.

I knew Rhett was standing behind me in the corner but I had come to believe that being alone with him was the same as being alone. He never talked and often he just looked like a portrait of a man that blended in perfectly with the house.

The  office door finally opened and my parents came in  spilling over in laughter with Caine. They were each  holding a glass of deep red wine.

 My parents were dressed up like I had never really seen them before except for at the wedding to Sawyer. My mother was wearing a pale blue suit and heels  and my father had on his blue and gold striped tie.

“Juliana you look beautiful,” my mother said as I pushed one of the freshly done golden curls out of my face.

“You look so much better than you did before,” my father observed, “I imagine this is such an exciting day,”

I felt happy, I was smiling and could not stop

Caine guided them to the seats across from me on the other side of desk. He pulled out a binder from one of the shelves behind me and pulled up a chair so he was sitting next to me.

“I suppose there is no need for hesitation,” Caine laughed. I hated his fake sincerity because it was so real it almost made him likeable “Dan and Melanie, I would like you to witness this union between your daughter and I. This is a contract I had drafted. If you would be so kind as to sign here”

The both exchanged looks  and my mother quickly signed and handed the pen to my father who after giving me a look did the same.

Caine then took a pen and signed the line and passed the pen to me pointing to the last blank line of the paper.

I took the pen and signed the paper with little pause and returned the pen to Caine. We had a brief second of eye contact and he kissed me just to the side of my lips.

It made me blush and the fact that I blushed made me smile.

I could see my mother looking over with approval.

“Why don’t we all go and have some dinner ? “Caine suggested

My parents nodded and we headed to a part of the house I had not seen yet, the backyard. The raised  patio was covered in a stone pattern with a fireplace of the farthest side,  a large metal grill next to the firepit  and  a  large rectangular pool filled with clear water.

I wondered if any of the stuff ever got used.

In the center of the patio there was a round table and set on it were 4 identical place settings.

We sat down and a 2 TL’s who I did not recognize (and looked very young) came out and placed plates of food in front of us and a glass of water in front of me.

“No wine for my  girl ?” my father asked

“Juliana has been through some trauma and her medication does not allow her to have alcohol," Caine said  "Don’t worry Dan I have your  daughters best interest at heart.”

“Of course,” my father agreed.

My mother picked up her own glass and held it out in front of her, “A toast. To this new union, my daughter making her family proud and more importantly to our new son.”

We each clinked glasses.

It was strange seeing Caine actually eat, I had never seen him do anything  remotely human --never missing a beat, it was like he was always putting on an act.

It was nice to  finally be outside of my room and the the house so, I sat and enjoyed the dinner and listened to the conversation. Trying to take in what was happening

After witnessing  what Caine had done  to Logan I was inconsolable and completely  traumatized from what I had witnessed. Every time I closed my eyes I was  reliving it and I felt violently ill, although I knew it was all in my head.

I could not get to sleep the night after he died and I sat up  in my bed in the  darkened bedroom staring at the wall, running my hands over my body mesmerized by how fragile our bodies were; how easily life could be ripped from them. I started wondering when Rhett would leave the room, but I soon  learned he stayed the entire night watching me like some kind of constant sentinel.

The next day I felt tired but was not tired enough to fall asleep. I hardly remembered the day as I sat through all of Caine’s meetings.

The lack of sleep was getting to me.

That’s when I first started losing my sense of time.

One afternoon—or what felt like the middle of the day I was sitting on the bed as usual waiting for my next order  and I turned my head to see  Rhett’s eyes searing into me. I looked around for the reason he was staring at me when he started walking towards me.

He hardly ever moved towards me . He veered to the left  and walked slowly  to the  dresser and pulled out a night gown.

“Change,” he mouthed.

I let my eyes wander to his, I wanted to ask what he was talking about but,my mouth did not feel like forming words. I was still in disbelief he was acknowledging  me.

 He gave another silent order.

“Now.”

He had no right to tell me what to do but, I looked up at the small device in his ear --–his direct line to Caine and changed clothes. Rhett was still looking in my direction but I knew he  wasn’t watching me.

When I had changed I sat back down on the bed and he pushed on my chest so I laid down and then  took out a large syringe. The liquid was clear but,it was attached to the longest needle that I had ever seen. I braced myself for the pain of the injection--after all  we were running out of spaces where I hadn’t already been injected.

He  pushed the tip of a needle into my skin and I felt the familiar stinging burn but it lasted more than a second . . . more than 5 seconds I wasn’t used to the shots lasting this long and the pain being so bad; I made a move to pull his arm away from me  but he caught my hand with his other arm.

“Stop,” I breathed quietlly

The pain was becoming to much and I was moaning in agony but he was relentless.

After nearly  a minute of listening to my suffering  he pulled out the empty syringe. 

I blinked.

My eyes were wet.

I wanted to yell at him to  threaten him with something but before I could open my mouth I was asleep.

I had a dream that I was doing what I did everyday in my captivity with Caine.

It took me a while to realize this dream was my reality.

But, one look at the blood stained necklace draped over my neck and I was back to feeling fear from everyone and back to sleeplessness.

I rarely dreamed about sleep and Rhett just let me sit up all night.

It seemed like sleep had given up on me.

I  soon found compliance easier.

 

Caine continued to  tell my parents all about the house and they listened intently. He told them he would try to arrange visits as often as we were available,  my parents covered him—us-- with complements. I said nothing but only nodded, I still felt like I was in on an adults conversation. But, this was my new family.

 “Behind you is Rhett Clark,” Caine told them  “He is a Tranquility Light he has been with me for quite some time   and has shown the utmost dedication to me. His post is to guard your daughter, you know how some people have been defiant lately—“

“Yes it’s just terrible, so many” My mother agreed “ I saw in the newsletter—“

“Well, we shouldn’t discuss such dreary topics. You should adjust to Mr. Clark's presence but we must remember he is working.”

“It’s  good to know you have such great protection," my mother said.

They continued to talk through the dinner and dessert until the sun had set.  After a hug from my father Caine escorted my parents to the door and Rhett took me up the stairs.

 Half way to top of the large staircase I heard a loud crack behind me. I turned to see Rhett’s bent down and his rifle in his hand.

“What are you doing?” I asked alarmed –-the familiar fear coming back-- as he picked it up and readjusted it

“Nothing,” he told me, “I’m sorry Mrs. Caine”

The name felt like an insult.

I went into the bedroom  and got into bed and waited for sleep to kick in. It had been a nice day I had no reason to be afraid.

2 hours later I was still sitting up in bed.

I decided to try tricking my body into sleeping.

I laid down in a comfortable position, closed my eyes and slowed down my breathing so my body would think I was already asleep.

 I heard Rhett walking towards me but, I ignored him as not to break my concentration.  I could hear him breathing as he stood over me but I remained in my position. And then I heard something different. I heard him walk away, followed by the door opening and closing.

I waited a few minutes before opening my eyes and shifting them to the corner.

It was empty.

 I waited a few more minutes before getting out of bed and inspecting the room.

 It was empty.

I tip toed to the door, creaked it open the tiniest bit  and held my ear to the crack. I heard no breathing. I cracked it open wider and saw there was no one on the other side of the door.

I was alone.

I opened the bedroom door and walked into the hallway.

I looked over the wooden railing.

 I could see the door.

I let my hands rest on the railing and I watched the door.

I kept watching it.

And watching.

I had no idea how much time had passed but I heard footsteps from behind me and I turned to see Caine, fully dressed walking with Rhett next to him. It took me a moment to notice the sun was coming up in the windows behind them.

Had I really been standing there all night ?

I stood back

“I’m sorr-“

“You will be riding after me this afternoon to the center,” Caine said,handing Rhett a binder, “This is the new United Light mission statement  . . .  make sure she knows it.”

He was talking to Rhett like I wasn’t there.

“I’m sorry," I said as Caine headed down the stairs

“For what?”Caine asked

“I—for leaving my room. Please don’t hurt anyone,”

He looked at me like I was a child.

“I think you can handle some space. Put something nice on for today, sweetheart.” He said and continued down the steps and to the door where he was met by TL152 and they exited together.

“You tricked me into believing you were asleep,” Rhett accused me as soon as the door shut, “If you do anything that makes me look incompetent again I will make sure you regret it. “

He then put his ear piece in and went back to his usual stoic postion.

I went back upstairs and stared into the closet until I found a plain pale blue cotton dress that I actually liked. I put a long sweater over it and sat at the vanity to  pull my hair back into a ponytail. I noticed a tube of lipstick sitting on the counter, i a deep pink color. I put a little bit on the cupids bow of my lips and then I put the tip on the mirror.

‘Do you believe United Light ? ’

I wrote out in pink script on the mirror

  Rhett approached  me and picking up one of the towels he wiped away my writing until it was an indistinguishable pink mess on the mirror.

I took my finger and wrote

‘No ?’

into the pink smear.

He once again smeared it and handed me the binder.

“You must learn this by this afternoon. I will give you time to study.”

I had never been one for studying. No one had ever taught me how.  It seemed like a word everyone tossed around for academic reasons but, regardless I   opened  the binder.

The true reason behind United Light is that together we become United.

21.2

“Tell me,” said Rhett “How has Caine changed your life ?”

He has turned my life into something that no longer belongs to me.

I noticed a smudge on the window and tried to clear it with my finger but I only made it worse.

“Mrs. Caine,” Rhett said, I was sure I detected impatience in his voice.

“He has made my life different in a positive way,” I said mesmerized by my fingerprint on the tinted window.

I laughed a little, ”I guess I have seen the light,”

I looked to him for approval but he seemed indifferent as he closed the binder.

I saw the car pull up to the community center and Rhett opened my car door. I was taken around the  back of the center and   through a series of doors.

I looked towards the new addition to the community center. I wondered if Rosa was there.If  Saywer and Elisa were with her just waiting for the chance to help me. They wouldn’t just leave me.

Would they ?

I had left them.

No, I was sure Sawyer would come for me.

I was walked through a door inside of an empty room and found myself on a stage, with a few people seated around in the audience. I looked around confused.

“Right here, sweetheart,” Caine said quietly, pointing me towards a chair.

I sat and observed my surrounding; I was in the auditorium in the community center,  Caine was standing at a podium, his usual 4 TL’s were standing next to the stage.

As the minutes ticked by the auditorium filled up with people until there was only standing room.  In the very  back the TLs in training were standing in a straight line.

The auditorium had never been this filled before. There used to be only about 40 families on the commune but it looked like there were getting to be more. I was able to see the UL age gap for the first time.

Sitting in the front were people my parents age in their late 50’s or older. Towards the back were the younger crowd in their 20’s, and there was hardly any in between. Everyone else was young children. I could see some age diversity developing. I could easily spot the new people from their excited looks. I did not bother to search for my parents faces, they never came to these . They usually listened to recording of Caine's weekly addresses.

“Good afternoon, everyone ! ” Caine began and was met with applause.

I realized just how much power he could incite.

I couldn’t keep my eyes off of him as he told everyone about him about how prosperous and self-sufficient the community was becoming and all we had to do was grow to get more influence. There was a glow about him that made me want to believe everything he said even though I knew most of it was false.

“Imagine with me a world where we all work for the greater good. Can you see it ? Everyone here has that purpose. I  am truly enlightened and I am giving that all to you. We have a mission. Together. All of us.”

I had heard of this all before, from listening to the tapes with my parents.

“We have had the unfortunate number of our young people, our crown and glory start to defect,” Caine said ,”This is a great disappointment that many are so blinded they believe the evils of the world are so weak that they  can beat them ? No!  Here is where your life, your friends and family should be. Out there is where evil truly lies. We have for to long let our enlightened ones become extinguished and I have to put a stop to that. Are there misbelievers ? I’m sure there aren’t but incase  . . . let me enlighten you.”

Caine turned to me and reached his hand out taking mine  and leading me so I was standing next to him.

“Some of you may recognize this young woman,” Caine said,” Her name is Juliana and her parents are some of our most celebrated members in my opinion. They have done no wrong , but I have. I let Juliana go outside of our walls with another member who I believed was enlightened. And the truths may be shocking to some but, this is what became of her.”

Suddenly there was a harsh light in my eye and I heard a projector whirling, I looked up at the screen to see a collage of pictures

Pictures of me.

One was from my hospital stay, another in the dim alley of the club, another with Brad.

I looked terrible in all of them and despite the reality of the pictures I was sure they were telling a false story. I wanted to shut off the screen but I retained my composure.

I had never been more thankful my parents were gone.

“She was overtaken by the evils some so bad I will not speak of them but, it all almost killed her. She was forced into terrible positions and conditions. However, Juliana left who she was paired with and came back here where she found true peace of mind. I became infatuated with her commitment to United Light and  I did something for her that has transformed her into the beautiful radiant woman you see before you. “  He smiled at me. And I smiled back,” I made her my wife.”

There was a ring of instant applause and Caine kissed me on the lips again. As he moved back into his original position my hand rested over his.

“It seemed to me a certain faith that the woman who so expertly envelopes my ideals would be the one I felt so drawn to. But you all must be sick of me--why don’t I let you say a few words, sweetheart.” He said, stepping aside.

I shook my head no.

But he pushed me lightly forward

“Hello,” I said

I was met with eager stares

So many people

“I um, I -- have learned so much more about United Light. . . . I'm thankful.  I am very thankful to be welcomed back here. I hope I can be helpful in anyway I can. And I--I am just very thankful to be here” I said taking a step back

They applauded like I had said something wonderful.

Caine went on about the positive points of United Light and the address was over.

At the end everyone came up to Caine to speak to him and I was attacked with questions.

“You must be so happy, aren’t you ?” a woman asked me

“Yes, I am.” I said

“Are your parents happy ? I see they aren’t here.”

“They are extremely proud,” I told her.

I continued answering people’s question  until Caine took my hand and we headed for the car. It may have looked like a intimate touch but he was guiding me to the vehicle with the two TL’s behind us.

“You did very good,” Caine said as soon as we were in the car, ”I have something for you at the house.”

 

Back at the house he led me around the back of the house and  outside where I saw a silver swing set. He led me over and we both sat down. I saw both of the TLs  at a distance.

“Do you know what Stockholm Syndrome is ?” he asked me

“No,” I said, even though I had heard it in passing.

“It is a condition where people develop feeling for their captors. Do you know why this happens ?”

“No.”

“Because it is not in the human condition to be unhappy for such long periods. Humans crave happiness so thy create it. I have decided I am giving you a bit of happiness to prevent this from happening. You can be outdoors and you may ask me any questions you like.”

It was weird the way he used the term human like it did not apply to him. Did he really  think happiness for me was spending time with him ?

“Are there others like Logan ?” I asked

“You should fear defectors as you fear  killers,” he told me “They are our worse enemies and  we will not talk of them.”

I decided to scale back and ease my way in with an easier question.

“How many people live here now ?”

“Close to 200,” he answered, “We need more,”

“Why so many Tranquility lights ?”

“I need to make a statement. Before anyone thinks of getting to me they have a force of hyperactive trained killers who are willing to go down first.”

“Who may want to kill you ?”

“You don’t get to be me without making enemies.”

“When can I leave ?”

“You don’t get to leave. That is not a subject I will talk with you about.”

I sensed anger in his voice but ignored it.

“Can’t I go back to my parents at least ?”

“Enough,” he said,” You’re only purpose right now is to do as I say or I will leave you on your friend Brad's doorstep. I know what is best for you.  I am trying to show you some humanity but I give up. I have work for you anyway.”

He stood up and motioned for me to follow him into another  part of the house I had not seen.

The kitchen.

The house itself was not all that big but I had not been permitted to see parts of it making the house seem more mysterious than it was. I saw there was an array of brightly colored boxes, bowls and eggs on the counter.

“You are going to each house in the community tomorrow and you will bring a cake to each one as well as good company. Get started.” He said and walked off with no other explanation.

I was never much of a cook but, I followed his orders and  started putting together the cakes.

And something terrible happened

I liked it.

21.3

“I basically do the same things you do” I laughed as I stood leaned the door

“You are such a delight,” Mrs. Henderson said

“Such a sweet girl,” Miss Lehman added as they walked me to the door.

“We hope to see you again,” Mr. Lehman, her husband responded as I walked down the street and to the next house.

I was surprised when I heard a sound .

The first sounds I had hear in a while.

Music.

Being locked into the house for so long I had heard barely any sounds that weren't breathing.

I was greeted at the door by a woman who I recognized as Cecelia Winston with her mother-- who my mother seemed to always hold a distain for---they both greeted me with such happiness. There home was filled with more stuff than most of the ones I had seen. I presented them with the baked goods and was invited inside.

“So, who lives here ?” I asked

“Well, me and Sam and his brother -–he just moved in" said Celia  "And mom and Greg”

“Are we still counting him ?” Sam asked coming  in laughing.

We shook hands

“Sam is just teasing,” Cecelia said,”You may have met Greg—he is a Tranquility Light. He  got a promotion and works for long periods of time I think he is off traveling or something he has been gone a almost a week.”

I immediately wondered if Greg has met the same fate as Logan. They had seemed to be friends and Caine seemed to believe that all the dissenters were working in sects.

I decided to inquire about Greg and Logan’s relationship

“We have to leave immediately.” Rhett whispered into my ear as if he read my mind.

“Have you heard from Greg?” I asked ignoring Rhett.

“No, but he doesn’t have a cell phone or anything.” Cecelia said, “I am sure you will get to meet him.”

“This is urgent ,” Rhett said his voice harder, “Now”

“I have to go, I’m sorry,” I said.

I followed Rhett out of the house and we made our way back to the car. I wanted to ask questions but decided not to. Instead of heading to the house the car headed for the commune gate.

“Where are you taking me ?” I demanded as we  passed  easily through the TL  post at the commune gate.

The car traveled into the swamp land that surrounded the commune and I saw another car up ahead. Rhett  pulled me out of the car and  pushed me into the other car and inside  I saw Caine sitting.

“Good Afternoon, Juliana” he said

I ignored his greeting.

I could play along in public.

“Do not ignore me, it won’t do well for you,” he warned ”We are taking a little trip to the city,”

The car drove for endless hours, until I saw a skyline-- although I have no idea which one.

The entire way Caine told me new ways I was supposed to act and fed me new lines.

I wasn’t married to him now.  

He said I was serving a much greater purpose that could go to repaying my debt.

But to me this served a different purpose. I wasn’t locked in the commune there were no rows of TL’s to get pass.  I could slip away into this city and contact Sawyer

He would save me.

I could tell the police Caine had taken me they would have to question him. I just needed my chance.

The car finally stopped in front of a tall gleaming building with a bright logo splashed on the top.

Caine walked through the building lobby and up  7 flights of stairs  grasping my hand tightly.  I heard the footsteps of the 4  TL’s behind us. They were not in their uniforms but in suits concealing their weapons. We walked down a hall  approaching  a door, Caine knocked on it hard and an  an older man opened it.

“Right on time,” the man said, ”Good to see you could make such short notice.”

“Of course,” Caine responded, “This is Juliana. Juliana this is Benjamin Rowland a very important man,”

“And future governor of Louisiana if I get my way,” he laughed

We walked into what I was beginning to see was a  hotel suite ,  there were lots people in walking around. I was sure they all had cell phones,  I could finally see hope. Before I could make a move  I was  led to a smaller quieter room where I sat at a table with Caine, Mr. Rowland and a woman in a suit.

“Now, Simon what is this you are hoping for ?” Mr.Rowland asked

“Simple,” Caine said “ I need more space and leeway for the United Light and in turn I can assure you voters.”

“We've been over this it is a risk. United Light raises questions,” the woman said "Good Lord,  this is the South. People don’t know what United Light is and if  Mayor Rowland gets involved it could have bad consequences."

”Simon, this is Ashley Hall,” Mayor  Rowland said, “She is my new campaign manager. She helped McCullum last year.”

“Well, Miss Hall“ Caine said “I helped your mayor financially when he needed help and now I need help. And I have all the proof you need that this is something your mayor would be proud to support. This is Juliana and through United Light she has become a better person.”

I locked eye contact with Miss Hall hoping she would see desperation in my face and my silent pleas for help but she was to busy scrutinizing things.

“She’s a bit shy,” Caine said and lowered his voice so he was whispering in my ear

“Speak or you will be punished.” He whispered, it sent chills down my spine.

“The United Light has given me lots of things that I didn’t have before,” I said,” I was always running into dangerous men arms, I gave my body for money when I left United Light. I know there are others like me and if they had United Light they could have their lives saved. More importantly people like my parents, they are much older will need help to keep their lifestyle going.”

I wanted to cry but I held it back. Why couldn’t they see the distress I was in ?

“Alright Simon,What exactly are you asking for ?” Mayor Rowland asked

“For starters all I want is the tax-exemptions and a reasonable donation-“

“Tax exemption—? “ Miss Hall asked, “You are not a religious organization.”

“Well, apparently some of my followers see me as god-like,” he smiled,” A religious institution is defined as having shared beliefs and practices and we do. My people have a light others can only wish for.”

The mayor registered me and then looked back at Caine.

“This is fraud,” Miss Hall said

“No—it’s not,” I cried ,”I believe in Caine just as you believe is your own  imaginary beings. Without him I would not be here. I believe he has given me salvation just as you believe in your own fictional saviors. Except yours is pure fiction and speculation and  but mine is here for me. Everyday”

Looking at her face, the words --which I didn’t even know what  they really meant-- hurt her more than I could have imagined.

“Speech like that will not do well in this election,” Mrs. Hall said to the mayor,”People will not want to hear that.”

“And if I get what I ask I will make sure no one ever knows how much money our ‘blasphemous organization’ gave last year.” Caine said

“Alright, I will do the paperwork,”the Mayor said, "But, I had better be head of this state come November,”

“Trust me,” Caine said, “You will be eternally indebted to me.”

The men stood up and shook hands.

“I don’t feel so well” I said

Caine gave me a sharp almost fearful look.

“You’ll be alright, sweetheart,” he said patting my back “Perhaps you just need something to eat. We should be going now anyway I know Ben has so much to --.”

“I think I’m going to be sick,” I said.

“It’s alright she can use our bathroom it’s alright,” Mayor Rowland said pointing to a door,"Won't be the first time someone has thrown up in there"

I ran into the bathroom, closing the door and  was crestfallen to see it was windowless. I considered what to do; I wouldn’t just leave with Caine I had to make my escape.

 I opened the bathroom door to see no one standing in the vicinity and I saw a clear path to the door. I tried to think of a solid plan but it wasn’t coming so  I just  stopped thinking and ran for the stairs. I  heard steps behind me as I headed for the room door  , I could see the shadows of the TL’s behind me.

I didn’t care I just had to get somewhere where someone would see me.

I made it down one flight when the  heel of my left shoe  caught the step and my leg twisted as I tumbled down the flight.  As I tried to pick myself up 2 of the TL’s caught me and carried me by my arms back up the stairs.  One of them discreetly pushing a syringe into my leg. I saw the Mayor and his people standing at the top of the  steps with Caine.

“It’s alright,” Caine said coming down the stairs and taking my hand helping me adjust myself,”I think she is alright, no broken bones. Usually detox is over by now. I have no idea what has gotten into her.”

“No,” I attempted to say but,  my speech was slurred  by the sedative, “Help me.”

“it’s okay, I am here,” Caine said,” I really do need to get her back home to her parents.”

Caine gently led me outside and the closer we got to the car the harder his grasp on me became until we were in the car.

“You want to attempt your pathetic escape attempts on the protective living ? Fine,” He yelled at me so harshly I was sure he was going to hit me.  “ But, you try that in front of people who influence my livelihood and you will suffer the consequences. I have been kind to you so far but it seems like you have no respect and for that I can make your life a living hell and no one will care or miss you, Juliana.”

“Sawyer will care,” I said.

 I did not know where the words or the meaning behind them came from.

“Sawyer Miller will never come for you. I can assure you of that because you are not worth it,”

I couldn’t let myself believe him.

***

The control Caine wanted over me wasn’t pretend.

As soon as we got back to the house Caine whispered orders to the TL’s and I was being taken by two TL’s  towards the basement..

I couldn’t go back in there.

 It was my nightmare.

 I pushed and screamed against them and it took all four of the TLs to get me down into the darkened basement.

“Please, I can’t ! ” I begged as I kicked at them but my shoes only flew off and fell into the darkness.

Had I brought this on myself ?

“I’m sorry I ran, please”

The lights were turned on and  to some relief I saw the room was empty.  I was forced into the chair Logan had once sat in and was tied down, peering down I could still see his teeth on the floor.

Tears flooded down my face and I felt like I was going to pass out as the images flooded back to me.

I imagined how the rest of my time here would go. Would I really be forced to suffer as Logan had ? How bad would it be ?  Or was this just a game ?

 My mind raced for hours until Caine finally came down the stairs  and walked behind me. I heard him doing something behind me but I could not see.

I could not think of what I should say to him

“A martyr is someone who gives up their life for a better cause,” he said, ”That is what I am forcing of you. You must give up your life for the good of United Light and why not ? You have no one outside of this community now. You get to live but you must give up your identity and in exchange I ignore the 500,000 dollar deficit.”

“I changed my mind-“

“No one asked you to speak,” he shouted  frustrated. There was genuine emotion behind his voice, it was a first ”You have no choices anymore. You seem to live in the delusion that you will get to leave but you won’t not as long as United Light is here. And you will learn never to try to damage me in public. Many---including yourself ---believe you are sweet and timid,  but I know you have a rebellious side and I will crush that.”

He came to the front of me and grabbed my hand I saw he was he was wearing a  thick glove. He held a foot long metal pole in his hand, I could see smoke coming from the blunt end it   and before I could react he pressed the end of the metal iron deep into my skin.

I teetered on the edge of consciousness, screaming louder than I thought possible as tears ran down my face,  it felt like the iron would rip through  my hand. I lost all control of my body and begging for my life screaming as  he pressed the iron deeper into my hand , until he pulled it away. My vision was blurred with tears as he lifted my face so I was looking him in the eye.

 I continued to cry chocking on my tears  for a few moments before he spoke again.

“You will stay here for the night,” he said  “And if you try anything again this will become your new home.”

 

 

I did not sleep at all that night in the chair. My body became stiff and was aching within hours from staying bound in the same position. I had to force Logan out of my head. How had he survived for so long.

 In the morning I was taken back to my room.

Once I was in the shower I decided to look at the scar  on my hand as I let cold water fall over it. There was a deep brown scar covered in redness but there was a definite shape to it.

It was a brand

The shape was actually kind of pretty.

It was a little smaller than my palm it looked like a triangle with a 5 petal flower in the center.

Still, it meant nothing to me.

I walked out of the shower and  got dressed and decided to look through the textbooks that had been left for me so long ago. I had to be one step ahead of him if I wasn’t going to escape . But soon the books became tedious and I found nothing  in them that could help me.

I was not let out of the room and  began to just look at the pictures in the books even though they were few and far between.

I was finally escorted out of the house and  to the community center where I sat and listened to Caine, putting my act on harder than usual. We shared stares and glances and it killed me how fake they were. Caine went on to his usual speech but then he said something I wasn’t prepared for but, should have been.

“I’ve wanted to relate to you all,” he said removing his suit tie and coat and taking down a few buttons  "But I don’t think I can anymore, I have always said I believe I was enlightened and now I know it as if I have been called on to some higher power to be here.  I feel as though there is something more and I and most importantly we are destined for something greater.”

The room applauded into claps of joy as Caine recounted every good thing the commune had produced and how it could happen for not for some greater power. I looked through  the crowd trying not to catch any eyes but I was sure I saw some doubts in a few faces. I memorized them

“But do not think my wife and I as any better than you in this life. She wears the clothes made by you, we eat the same food as you, we live with you. Because we know this is heaven on earth.”

I could not believe how these people truly believed they were apart of something better when deep down I knew Caine was doing this all for money reasons.

And power

Caine made a show of eating in the commune cafeteria but I could not eat with the images of burning flesh in my mind.

21.4

I slowly began to lose myself into the United Light.

Since I had been married to Sawyer I  lived my life in months  and I knew this couldn’t last past a few weeks  but as each day crept by I wondered if that was really true. Was  this really the end ? I had to remind myself I wasn’t fully sure of how much time had passed.

I did not  hear from Sawyer not even a clue he was around, I stared out the window hoping for a glimpse of him.

After Caine’s announcement of him believing he was some kind of god, I was kept locked into my room 24 hours a day.

Of course, I knew too much.

The lack of human contact had gotten to me. I longed to be touched,  to be hugged,  at least my parents had offered me kindness but when I asked to see my parents I was met with silence from everyone.

I had developed  an  even worse case of insomnia.

 I hadn’t slept in days but I did discover something nice.

  If I laid down and  pretended to be a sleep  Rhett would leave and I could be alone.  I cherished this time and I would sing nonsense songs  to myself for no other reason than to pretend someone else was there listening.

" Rosemary, pansy, fennel, daisy

Tears, dove, loves, fears

hurt me, love me, break me "

On one unexpected day Caine came into my bedroom, I instantly got up from my causal position on the bed. Had this all been a punishment  and now  it was over.

He took a seat opposite of me. He had an uncomforatble look on his face.

“I have some news,” he said, “You have been a very good girl these past few days and I think you are ready to handle this”

I hated how he used girl when we were alone but woman in public and when it suited him.

I knew better than to speak or show my attitude but, I braced myself for what he would say next.

“Your mother is dead,” he said.

I felt like my world was escaping me. I had just seen her.

Hadn’t I ?

“No she isn’t ,” I said. I didn’t believe him

“Believe what you must but it is true,”

He had no reason to lie about her passing.

“Can I go to the funeral, please ?” I asked

“No,” he said, “There will not be one,”

“Can I see her ?” I asked, even though I did not want to ever see another dead body.

“No,” he said, “Her body was cremated yesterday.”

“You killed her!” I shouted at him standing up, but surprisingly no tears had come. I searched for a memory of my mother I would miss and sadly came up short.

“I did not.” he said standing up, overpowering me "She died of natural causes. It is tragic which is why I will allow the outburst,”

I reached  and scratch his face and I regretted it the moment I did it

“I-

I started to apologize but he put a finger to my mouth.

“I did not think this was an appropriate time to continue to break your spirit,” he sneered,”But clearly you have no grief only anger. It makes me question you and Melanie’s relationship.”

I  could see from the look in his eye he was going to get back at me for scratching his face.

 And he did.

***

 

When Caine walked out of my room he he told me one thing.

“Tell me when you are done with pain.”

I decided to take a bath that night

Caine’s control over me was not pretend.

I looked at all the different bottles that lined the bathtub and half-hazardously dumped them all into the running water until it smelled like a bouquet of rose,lilac, honeysuckle and cherry blossom.

Once I was torso deep into the water I traced my hand over the pink lines that raced up my thigh and I tried pathetically to scrub them away with the soap. I made circles with my wash cloth over the bruises covering them with the soft blue bath crystals.

 I felt dirty.

I was sure that feeling came from the fact that he made me believe I actually needed repentance.

I sat in the bath for over and hour and  as  I soaked in everything  and as I  began to relax I decided to make a decision.

I wrapped a towel around myself and found a nightgown  I had never really worn before. It wasn’t plain like the others but was  decorated  with a large print of  flowers in different shades of blue  and it all sprung from a willow tree design on the back. It wasn’t the most fashionable or prettiest thing in the world but, putting it on made me feel like I was lying in a bed of flowers.

 I slipped into bed and pretended to go to sleep as usual, giving out slow, soft rhythmic breaths until I heard Rhett leave the room.  I impatiently waited a few moments and then I got out of bed and quietly found a pair of the highest heel I could find, ---a pair of black 3 inch heels-- and tip toed as silently as I could out of my bedroom door and into the hallway.

It was empty.

My month was up and no one was going to save me.

Not even myself

Whatever it was it had to be better.

I awkwardly climbed on top of the hallway banister but I instinctively balanced myself.

 I had worn the heels to unbalance myself but I was getting more used to heels than I thought.

I wondered how Caine would explain away this.

I stood on the wooden banister unable to move myself, wishing it would just give out on it’s own. 

 I had to be more forceful

Do I jump or take a step forward ?

I did both.

I took a step forward

And jumped.